*rabies.*

Jan. 19th, 2012 09:34 am
yukie: siri batshithappy (from ethers tragic i am born again)
Maybe if I started physically injuring every single navel-gazing shit-wit who thinks it's fine 'n dandy to take their lousy day out on me, they'd stop.

News flash, it's not okay to do this, assholes. Just because you decided somewhere in the recesses of your midget fuckchop diva mind that I 'have it easy' (haaa ha ha ha) or 'need to toughen it up' or whatever bullshit typical abuser rationalization *eyelash flutter* you're repeating over and over in the hopes that it'll make it true...

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

DOES NOT MAKE IT FUCKING OKAY.

Read more... )

ETA for clarity, reassurance of a couple worried people who asked, and unpleasant epiphany yay: The people I'm irritated with are not here (i.e. LJ/DW); one of them had an LJ once but doesn't anymore because it's juvenile or something. They lurk my shit anyway, though (god knows why, if all I do is piss them off/allegedly embarrass myself), and pretty much will never confront me in comments or anywhere anyone else can see them doing it, knowing damn well that 'OMFG RANDOM IM ASSHOLE BAW' is the flipside of 'THE LURKERS SUPPORT ME IN E-MAIL LOL' and that I am terrified of looking like a wanky munchausen-by-internet ninny, so I am not likely to say anything or ask for support.

What.
The fuck.
Is wrong.
With me.

Why does it always take me so damn long to realize assholes are assholes, and I don't deserve this crap. Why do I tolerate this for so damn long. Why. What the fuck. Now I just feel entirely stupid.
yukie: (Default)
Dear pharmaceutical company,

BITE ME SO VERY VERY FUCKING HARD FOR DISCONTINUING THE ALL-IN-ONE VITAMIN PILLS I WAS TAKING.

Boom fucking shanka,
-the crabby little woman in the red sweater.

Now I have to fuck about with more damned pills, and before anyone tells me to cry moar, I already am taking more than twenty per day to manage this condition alone. Yes, you fucking heard me. CF is a pain in the ass*. XD

Uuurrhhhgh. I know this is small potatoes compared to some things but it's just so bloody damned annoying.

One of the inhaled meds I use being in somewhat limited supply bugs me, too.

People NEED these things, okay? And there are more and more of us who need them, now, because more and more of us are living longer and longer. That's not going to fucking change, except for the better FOR US. So, yeah, supplier. Step it the fuck up so St. Mike's has what it needs for all of us.

So, yeah, bite my ass, manufacturers. I know this is small shit comparatively but it's also yet another reminder of how arbitrary shit is, about how ambivalent drug companies can be about patients and about the fact that it's going to be a while yet before I am 'normal' and all of me works the way it should ought to.

Bleh.

I'll be okay. I'm just cranky right now XD

*Don't worry about me overmuch for this; I'm in really good health and determined to stay that way, and my stubborn-assedness makes mules look wishy-washy. I'm more than okay. XD
yukie: (Default)
It'd be SO NICE if PMS didn't make me hate the fuck out of almost everything, seriously.

It's like my shadow's risen up to GNAW MY FACE.

I can acknowledge this, I just really fucking hate feeling this way because whenever I do I keep thinking my dad was right and therefore it's just A-O-FUCKING-KAY for people to treat me however fucking poorly they want BECAUSE I ASKED FOR IT BY BEING ME.

All I can do is ride it out because flailing at it makes it worse. All I can do is go, okay, right, I'm pissed.

And hope no one decides now is a really special good time to fuck with me for kicks because then I'm going to start making Dracula look sociable.



...Goddamn, I need chocolate.
yukie: (Default)
Best way to get me from zero to phoenix backhand in half a second?

Condescend to me.

Seriously. I'm not your child, your student, your acolyte or some kind of naive little puffball whose life has been and continues to be effortless - yea, verily, a a medley of extemporanea! - so let's just shove the headpatting, slow-talking, cooing bullshit back up our noses where it came from, shall we?

That shit grates on me like nothing else, fucking hell.

Maybe I'm small, maybe I am easily amused and easily made happy, MAYBE I'M NOT YOU SO MY LIFE CAN'T POSSIBLY BE REAL AND MY EXPERIENCES VALID OR SOME SHIT, but I'm really, REALLY not going to put up with that any more. I'm luckier than many, but that doesn't mean my problems aren't real or that life is this pastel-coloured strawberry-flavoured idyll, for fuck's sakes almighty. Are you stupid? Get someone else to be the little daughter when you play house. This fucking bitch is through.

I put up with it until now but the part of me that thought she deserved it is dead and gone. You don't have her to toy with and fuck around any more. How about that? Gonna cry?

Things are gonna be a little fucking bit different now.

The next person to talk to me as if I am a particularly stupid baby is going to be told to knock that shit off and stop talking to me until they possess the fucking spine necessary to relate to me as another adult. I am not obligated to confine myself to the little box you put me in, cowards. If it scares you so god damned much to have to relate to me as an equal, TOO FUCKING BAD.

Cry more, and don't expect me to share my kleenex. My sinuses are beating up my nose again and I need that shit.
yukie: (Default)
TORONTO WHY THE HELL DID YOU ELECT THE STUPID GUY

ffffffhhhh.

*flings up arms*

I'm going to keep fucking voting - not voting doesn't do much - but god-fucking-DAMMIT is it EVER tiring to see Toronto do the same dumb shit it did before when Mel Lastman got elected. Did we like, NOT LEARN?

I GUESS NOT.

Fucking Christ I hate these navel-gazing solipsist motherfuckers. This man had better prove himself to be a better human being than he comes off as (because he comes off as a bloviating wannabe-cowboy FUCK), or so help me I will actively work to fuck with him and bring him down.

This is MY fucking city. This is where I live. I am a territorial bitch, and no one destroys my fucking territory or undermines it when I am living in it. [/rufus shinra brand bitch]

God when has privatizing shit ever helped anything? Way to go, you numbnut, you just got most of the unions in the city on your throat. You have NO idea how much harm that can do to you. Unions have a lot of power. They can use it to make you miserable. If you take one chunk of people out of work then the rest will sink their claws into you - rightly so. Fuck with one, fuck with 'em all.

I hope this annihilates him. God, it'd be pretty if it all blew up.

It's like - these fucking losers keep bew hew hew hewwwwwing about how they want to be like New York but they won't fucking do the work to get there. They just do dumb shit, sit around with their thumbs up their cracks, and whine.

Rfhfggh. I need some fucking chocolate.

For this man's sake he'd better be all talk and no cock on some issues. Or he's basically doomed for stepping on feet.
yukie: (Default)
Would the DEPRESSION JUST VACATE ME ALREADY.

I'm really tired of this.

Also, the next arrogant, contemptible worm to call me a child, or treat me as if I were one, is going to bear the full brunt of my cruelty.

(Spare me the 'but you're acting like one' puling. If I were acting like one I'd have abandoned my empathy and verb-flayed you to a little pile of whining mess by now. Swagger in the opposite direction from me.)

I haven't been a child for a long time.

Spare me. Go and DIE. You pathetic swaggering peacock's gigolo. You have NO IDEA WHO I AM. You know only the heap of broken images and stupid assumptions that form 'me' in your limited vapid mind. Get thee hence before I beat you down with my damn sponge mop.

I'm not here to be an ego booster for the wounded who never had to claw their way through recovery pretty much alone. I'm not interested in being the whipping girl for cowards who close ranks and think it's okay to do that to me because someone else did that to them. I'm not going to let people who want a life with no consequences, with all perks and no work, with no FIGHTING act like Im somehow their ineferior because they never saw anything bad happen to me so it can't have, fuck you Ikari wannabe.

I am not what the ignorant think of me.

And I really wish the horrible abdominal cramps would get lost. D:

Urgh urgh urgh quarterly checkup tomorrow I don't wanna do it.
yukie: (Default)
I do not understand people who will jump into a conversation about learning disabilities and announce that they don't believe in AD(H)D/Asperger's Syndrome/Dyslexia/massive brain eating chronic anxiety/et cetera/et cetera/and so forth.

Like - my dear Speciallest of Snowflakes? WTF R U DOIN? You're not trolling, you got defensive like dang when we asked you not to troll. So - was there a point to that malarkey besides trying to make yourself feel special and awesome whilst annoying the living schpadoinkle out of us all?

Look, brain-trust, until you are a physician of some sort and until you know what neurochemistry IS, sit down and shut up kthxbai. You are critically undereducated and not interested in getting educated, so you've waived your right to open your beak. It's not hard to find material about this stuff. Learn you some Google and THEN come back and beak at us, or else STFU.

Whether or not you 'believe in' non-neurotypical brain business has zero bearing on our lives. Your skepticism is not making my slackoff serotonin production get better. XD I know that may be news to a solipsist like you but - there you go and there you are. This isn't episode 26 of Evangelion, bud.

You don't sound cynical and worldly, you sound like what you are: a hipster trying frantically to be cool and falling short in a tragic, tragic way.

Either Google you some shit, Speciallest of Snowflakes, or shush while people with manners are talking. It's possible to express an opposing POV without being a little douche-kayak, you know. Indeed other people did that in the very same place and no one et their head because they were respectful.

It's all about the respect, Snowflake. If you moonwalk in here and make a point to backhandedly call people lazy manipulative liars, don't expect them to be cordial.

Pfeh heh.

Jan. 18th, 2010 08:19 am
yukie: (Default)
In re: this:

I'm not sure why people made it into a social game on LJ anyhow, it seems to me to be fundamentally childish/naive/something like that to have done so. For one, there's different levels of friendship. I do consider some people I've met online to be close friends; I've been dinged for that, but it wasn't as a result of them adding me to their flist on LJ or me adding back and expecting instant closeness - more it was because people I trusted after a considerable amount of time knowing them turning out to be fussy little babies, or wankers, or plain abusive when I didn't remain confined to the little pocket role they assigned me in their lives.

(I don't do niches, babies.)

I've had people think I owe them comments and play stupid little tit for tat grudge games as a result. (Look, if I'm not commenting as often as you want me to, it's not fucking personal, you fucking touchy little whiny whoring BABY. Okay? I just can't think of anything to say. SOME OF YOU, on the other hand, are known for holding shit hostage for comments/reviews, throwing fucking tantrums, and stompity stomping and SWEARING at me when you don't get the replies you think you're entitled to. I know what the fucking silent treatment looks like, child. Fucking grow UP.)

I've had people think they have every right to comment on my life, and very personal aspects of it, because I put them on my friends filter. (See: the attention whoring diphead woman who wanted to lecture me about how much ass sex she had and demand I write to her tastes; the stupid douche who decided out of the blue that she had every right to talk to me and act like she was my domme (because she tended toward toppiness and I played a lot of pushy bottom characters and had discussed interest in bondage as a kink) and DEMAND personal details about my health and sex life and bawwwwwww for ages about how she had a 'very unhealthy fantasy life' with passive-aggressive hints that I was worse.)

tl;dr people think they have a right to fuck with me as they like because they threw me a few treats and because I called them a friend.

Thus, I think I have a much less OPTIMISTIC notion of what the term "friend" connotes.

People reeeeeeally liked to call me their friend and think I owed them being a verbal firing range target in return. Add that onto the dim little kids who tied to use the term 'best friend' like a fishing lure to make people jump at their back and call and - yeah.

Ah, fucked-up relationships. How they leave us with twitchy, twitchy brains. :D

This isn't about anyone who can see it, obviously. Call me a wimp for that if you like, but then consider that I learn FAST and think about all the fuckers I've learned FROM and you'll see why I'm afraid of losing my temper and verbshanking fools.
yukie: (Default)
Yes, I DO think I am entitled to be fucking angry with people who call themselves my friends in spite of having fucking verbally abused me and dicked me around OFTEN to bolster their egoes.

I am very sorry that y'all had abusive partners, dudes? But I don't give a FUCK about whatever goddamned rationale you're going to feed me for having done that to me. You think it was SAFE It FUCKING WAS NOT. You've probably never seen me go off hardcore; it's not fucking pretty and I'm not saying that to brag. I am a VILE person hen I'm angry and if you thought you stupid fucking exes were horrible you have never ever seen me tear into people's weak points with rusty shit.

Fuckers, you did not have the right to do that to me. EVER. And you have no idea how badly I want revenge on some of you. NO. FUCKING. IDEA.

You had no right to do that to me. Your fuckhead partners were bastards, but I AM NOT YOUR FUCKHEAD PARTNERS, SO YOU HAD NO FUCKING, FUCKING RIGHT TO TREAT ME THE WAY YOU DID.

I know I'm never going to get an apology from you cowards either.

You're disgusting.
yukie: (Default)
((Yeah this is - me and one of the boys in concert. He doesn't have my issues but neither of us like ignorant liars with agendas, so he's out. :B Also: I am a jerk in this entry, and profane, so if you're not in the mood, you're not gonna wanna read this!))

Authors, if you're going to be writing about any psychiatric medication, be it SSRI, NDRI, stimulant, or otherwise?

Do your research.

Don't just rely on scarequote bullshit and dumb photomanips of newspaper comic strips.

I'm very tired of agenda pushers who have no idea about shit on a stick preaching from on high about how all drugs is bad and all I need to do is cheer up and focus.

You know what, you abysmally ignorant whelps, you sons and daughters of mongrel whores?

I am better now that I have my medication.

I am no longer suicidal. I am no longer losing gaps of time because I lost my temper so badly that everything clicked off. I no longer hate myself so badly that I want to stop being.

I can focus. I have been able to relearn how to think - yeah, meds alone didn't work for me. Cognitive therapy plus meds? Yeah. That.

and further rarring in chorus! )
yukie: (Default)
Like. There is no word in any language - dead, living, conlang or yet to come - that can describe how goddamned much Impostor syndrome BLOWS.

Seriously - constantly feeling like you'll never measure up, that you're just pretending to be kind or funny or smart - that it's all smoke and mirrors and some day someone's gonna come along and skirtflip the girl behind the curtain. That you're taking up space that rightfully belongs to someone else. That everyone is looking at you, and everyone KNOWS what you really are, and they're just waiting for the right time to ditch.

I was reading a friend's fanfic from circa 2001 before she knew me and it just made me go like, 'this is a world I was never part of; I'm a transient guest, and when I go, I won't leave much in the way of proof I was there; I'm inconsequential.' And that led into 'sooner or later she - and everyone else - is going to realize that I'm no great shakes and politely leave.'

Depression and the weather aren't helping.

Normally, tiny little shit doesn't do this to me.

It'll pass.

I really wish I could evict it for good.
yukie: (Default)
(I need to snarl at things, so if you don't want to read it, it stop reading after this sentence.)

Know what?

You're the thunderingly stupid fuckaroos who decided that i was nothing more that a tweedly little thingiee who couldn't possibly have talent or a brain. (To the point where some of you cocks DEMANDED MY FUCKING CREDENTIALS IN AN INTERNET DEBATE AND THEN ACCUSED ME OF PUTTING ON AIRS WHEN I GAVE THEM, FOR FUCK'S SAKES, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW THAT MAKES YOU LOOK, good christ choke on a dildo and survive but live mortified afterward.)

It's not my fucking fault you were so content to wrap yourself in delusion for to guard your pweshus pweshus fee fees that the truth DID YOU THOROUGHLY UP THE ANUS WITH A PILE DRIVER AND A CABER.

It's not my fault I am not, and never WAS, what you thought I should be.

Next time don't listen to fucking little fake gurus. You stupid, stupid bastards. You wanted me to stay in the tiny little box you made for me forever?

Well, fuck you hard.

You can go on playing house in your little coffin forever. I'm not wearing the widdle daughter costume for your insecure entitled ass any more.

I am fuckin' out of there.
Fuck you, fuck you, FUCK YOU.

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