![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Bleh
Prior post ditched on account of because friggin' stupid and because too many issues :b
I am -such- a dumbass. XD
I'm gonna like, stick to my own business from now on. Like the fount of WTF that is Ishandarr's garden, Eveynna's !Newf accent and songs about crabs, Bejaria's inability to cook much of anything that isn't everything-in-the-pot-whee soup or fish-onna-stick (in her defense, Wardens are probably not Cordon Bleu material anyway, but Bejaria looks at Joy of Cooking and flees), Aerionn's multi-verse ballads about how whatever he's fighting at the time is a magnum douchebag, Bernie hinting that she sunk Gallywix in his swimming pool (gotta watch out for them pool ponies, ya never can tell), and so on.
Because, seriously, I am fucking fail at canon, a lot of it triggers the everlasting piss out of me now and I'm a useless dumbass about it as a result. It's really hard to see a character you liked and identified with fall into the 'reactive, irrational, dangerous and in need of control' (according to the loud branches of fandom's interpretation of things) category I got slotted into by relatives who proceeded to make me the twitchy, nervous, paranoid, feral cornered thing I am now. (Headdesk forever.) Reminders of the 'you are this, so it is okay for me to terrify, threaten, insult, demean, emotionally-abuse, manipulate and hurt in the name of saving you from yourself' song and dance that was my reality just...
...Turns me into a useless fucking lump.
And if I think someone's upset with me, my reaction is BLIND PANIC. It's like, 'Fuck, fuck, FUCK, now they know how I really am, they know how stupid I actually am and that everything I presented myself as is fake, they're going to hate me, RUN FOR THE HILLS RUN FOR YOUR LIFE' and so on. So I either bail out or start self deprecating to head things off at the pass, and the latter doesn't ever work because I'm so godawfully nasty about myself that it makes people go 'what the fuck O_O'
No goddamn wonder people talk down to me rite lawl? (They aren't really, and most of this is perception. That...probably says something about what the default mode of how people talked to me was. Wow, I am just a time life library of issues :B)
So yeah, apologies for that, I'm staying with mental canons.
And really grateful that I have a counselor I can see regularly, because the past needs to stop biting my rear like now.
I am -such- a dumbass. XD
I'm gonna like, stick to my own business from now on. Like the fount of WTF that is Ishandarr's garden, Eveynna's !Newf accent and songs about crabs, Bejaria's inability to cook much of anything that isn't everything-in-the-pot-whee soup or fish-onna-stick (in her defense, Wardens are probably not Cordon Bleu material anyway, but Bejaria looks at Joy of Cooking and flees), Aerionn's multi-verse ballads about how whatever he's fighting at the time is a magnum douchebag, Bernie hinting that she sunk Gallywix in his swimming pool (gotta watch out for them pool ponies, ya never can tell), and so on.
Because, seriously, I am fucking fail at canon, a lot of it triggers the everlasting piss out of me now and I'm a useless dumbass about it as a result. It's really hard to see a character you liked and identified with fall into the 'reactive, irrational, dangerous and in need of control' (according to the loud branches of fandom's interpretation of things) category I got slotted into by relatives who proceeded to make me the twitchy, nervous, paranoid, feral cornered thing I am now. (Headdesk forever.) Reminders of the 'you are this, so it is okay for me to terrify, threaten, insult, demean, emotionally-abuse, manipulate and hurt in the name of saving you from yourself' song and dance that was my reality just...
...Turns me into a useless fucking lump.
And if I think someone's upset with me, my reaction is BLIND PANIC. It's like, 'Fuck, fuck, FUCK, now they know how I really am, they know how stupid I actually am and that everything I presented myself as is fake, they're going to hate me, RUN FOR THE HILLS RUN FOR YOUR LIFE' and so on. So I either bail out or start self deprecating to head things off at the pass, and the latter doesn't ever work because I'm so godawfully nasty about myself that it makes people go 'what the fuck O_O'
No goddamn wonder people talk down to me rite lawl? (They aren't really, and most of this is perception. That...probably says something about what the default mode of how people talked to me was. Wow, I am just a time life library of issues :B)
So yeah, apologies for that, I'm staying with mental canons.
And really grateful that I have a counselor I can see regularly, because the past needs to stop biting my rear like now.
no subject
Sylvanas' heel-turn upsets me a lot because as morally grey as she used to be, she loved her people and you could draw a clear line between 'you have to exist as an undead shadow of your former self so you're doing some pretty skeevy shit' and 'crazy, megalomaniacal jackass bent on taking over (most) of the World (of Warcraft). She used to love her people. Though I admit to having a fondness for my own head canon re: Ner'zhul being in her head.
I also have a predisposition to taking ALL THE BLAME for ALL THE THINGS due to some very, very manipulative former friends who would use the 'we've been talking about you behind your back and we all agree that your upsetting us' method of making me feel awful about everything I did and doubting myself. So I think we're both in brain-flaily places.
When your brain isn't trying to kill you, we can start a new discussion? With blackjack, hookers, and silliness? Like about, oh... Varian's hair is a parasite trying to eat his brain.
*many hugs and loves*
no subject
And I do like that head canon, it makes Cata's bollocks make sense. XD I mean, hell, even the 'the answer to everything is totally plague' pre-Cata had a sympathetic-ish element to it in that you could see how Sylvanas and Co. thought it was seriously the only way and therefore a good plan. I totally do not think it was, but I can see why they did. Ner'zhul ate their misery like it was cookies, and if everybody is Forsaken, Ner'zhul can't get them, FLAWLESS PLAN :O
...Which is really an interesting parallel to Arthas 'saving' everyone from the legion via becoming the Lich King.
And omg WORD ON THE BLAME THING, manipulative people suuuuck. Argh. *FTPs tea*
In closing yes on the discussion and blackjack XD And oh god Varian's hair, I take great pleasure in writing him as being a little vain about it because the man's got b'elf levels of pretty hair XD
*many many hugs*