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Oh sinuses, please stop trying to beat each other up
Oh, so my crabbiness, total lack of focus, weird obnoxious lingering neck muscle cramps and junk are usual?
Awesome. Except for the part where it's not.
Well, at least I know what the hell that is now yes I didn't know about this phase of these things shush XD; I used to just deal with the damn things my burying my face in my pillow and sleeping them off, but there's days where I can't do that so I kind of have to power through and do my best - so now I'm actually noticing all the weird little symptoms I always slept through. And at first that scared the hell out of me. I was convinced something MUCH, MUCH WORSE WAS GOING ON and lo onward came the clenching of teeth in my sleep and the tension headache from hell.
Now I KNOW what's going on but it's still really annoying!
And I think my counselor's hypothesis that my migraines tend to hang around the left side of my head so much on account of because of my very noisy right brain might not be far off.
Yesterday I found myself talking very quietly to my own head, which amuses me. Like "Oh hey what's this annoying twinge crap. Is this connected to the exploding sinuses YAY dance or no - okay it's throbbing in time with that fabulous little number, gotcha, I guess I slept through this all the time before or staved it off. Or you're mixin' it up a little. Whatever. Ow. Ow. Ow. I can't say I blame you either way, head, the weather is on the baddest of drugs."
WHICH IT WAS I mean, yesterday in Toronto went a little something like RAIN/SUN/RAIN/SUN/WEAKEST BLEAKEST LITTLE MINI THUNDERSTORM EVER LIKE COME ON/SUN/WIND/RAIN/OH SO MUCH WIND/YAAAAAY and my head was just like *flings up hands in utter exasperation and hurts a ton*. It's sunny and very windy today. I can deal with that and my head is like *oh fuck yeah normalcy, I can handle this*. It's just regular old sinus pressure today! Yeah, the part that bites ass about my migraines is that they're the kind that likes to pretend it's a sinus issue and not a 'what are you doing blood vessels' one. I know the difference, though, because a migraine makes me the vertigo queen (things like feeling as if I am going to fall FORWARD out of a recliner I am reclining in are par for the course) and a normal case of pissy sinuses doesn't. But anyway, yes, migraines liek nasal area. I get olfactory hallucination type auras, get ragingly sensitive to scent, and because it usually ends up making me congested as well sometimes I get that wonderful "fuck I cannot taste anything dude" feeling.
The reason why I ramble about this stuff so much, I am unsure! I guess because I know other people who get migraines and flailing about the suck of them can feel better. Some of it too is reassuring myself that nothing worse is going on, which - yeah, I worry entirely too much. And some of it is recording for posterity so I know next time that a thing is migraine linked.
Bleh. What's really obnoxious about these things is the way they screw with my life. I can work, the hand-colouring of old prints and maps because the original colour has faded to nauseating pink and horrid yellow is something I can do. I don't have to think so much about what colour is where. I'm following the previous artists' lead.
Painting a PAINTING, though - yeah, not going to happen, and that annoys me because I wanted to have it done by father's day (it's for my grandfather) and I'm not sure if I can do that and like what I've done. Which means I'll get my father up my nose, because he thinks that my job is easy all the time and that I don't have to deal with crazy drivers and suchlike I must have all this marvellous free time and I'm jsut being lazy and shit if I don't feel up to doing anything after work.
My father, bless him, sometimes forgets that I have a couple of disabilities working against me, and that sometimes there are not enough fucking spoons in the world. He forgets this, he says, because I make it look easy. Yeah, well, 26 years of handling this nonsense has made it second nature to me. It still takes up time and it has an effect on me after, in the case of the ventolin. I cannot draw or paint with the annoying ventolin shakies. My family's got an inherited slight trembly-hand issue on both sides, and the ventolin makes it go "And, WEEEEEEEEEEEE" so I do NOT feel confident in my ability to do anything competently at that time.
The other thing is this. My grandfather (dad's dad) commissioned me to do a painting. Like - yes, I have family that likes my art enough to pay me for it, and that amazes me, because if they did not like it they would make that clear! But yeah so I got commissioned, and my father decided it was a really great idea for me to do the painting as a gift instead of as commissioned art. Because that's not going to make me feel like he thinks my work isn't worth anything amirite? I don't MIND doing gift art, as a matter of fact I adore it when people ask me for art, but this is just... Sometimes my father is profoundly disrespectful and he has no idea. I'm going to have to discuss this with him.
The other thing stalling the painting is that I don't have any emotional connection to the place I'm painting, which TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL HIPPIE but honestly I DO usually have some connection like that to what I'm painting. I can recall memories of that time and go 'yeah that was cool' and be happy and put that energy into the art. Hell, even my abstract stuff, it's like 'all right, paint, let's see what you do if I do this and THIS oh man badass it looks like an exploding tree now! ...yeah i should tone that down, Lin doesn't want an exploding tree even if it is cool-looking.' But with this place - I know my Grandpa M. loves it there, and so did the late, awesome Gramma M., and that some of the cousins have good memories of the place, but I don't have many memories of it at all. I remember fishing, and catching a fish that we actually had for dinner. My sister caught a fish as well, and it actually somehow flung itself off the hook and bounced around the bottom of the boat insanely until dad was able to catch the thing. So there's that memory, and the memory of sleeping in my uncle's enormous van with the camper bed backseat. But apart from that there isn't really anything and it makes me feel strange to look at this canvas in progress, and the picture of this place, and just not feel much of anything besides missing my grandmother.
Yeah, this painting isn't going as well as I'd hoped at all. And "having lots of tiiiiime" does not necessarily mean I have lots of USABLE TIME. Sometimes my father really gets how it is for me with my art, but sometimes he's just got no clue.
I've been magnum slow on a lot of commissions too, which I AM SO DAMNED SORRY OH GOD YOU GUYS D: I know I sound as if I'm making excuses and being a dick, but I assure you I am not blowing you off and fleeing with your cash. YOUR STUFF WILL GET DONE AND DONE WELL. I'm going to try harder to muster more energy after work so I can do art of a quality which I think isn't just acceptable, but good. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to pull that off but I'll think of something.
So yeah. Tonight I need to try to paint like a mofo. Hopefully it works. I really don't want to deal with my father's insinuations that I am addicted to the computer (and he always passes moral judgment about this, it seems - funnily he does not do that to other people who are addicted to something or recovering yeah I am perpetually the exception to his rules) - look, ALL MY FRIENDS ARE HERE! I keep in contact with people through this thing. I would LOVE to go places with them but you see SOME OF THEM ARE IN JAPAN OR NEW MEXICO SO I CAN'T EXACTLY DO THAT, NOW CAN I? I'm planning to meet up with one (whom i have a heartmark for, but it's a mutual heartmark, so I'm happy) sometime this year. I am TRAVELLING YES! tl;dr my dad really has no concept of the way life is for me because it's so far removed from his own experience, and he tends to derp out as a result.
Plus - guy I am doing everything for myself around here, you have help. You and mom ahve an amazing setup wherein all the work is divided. I just have my ass. And that leads me to another thing: THIS TIME OF YEAR DAMN IT. I know my engagement voiping was last August but damn it that's not that far away. And P is one of my best friends, and I miss him, and he's in the frickin' maritimes. And don't give me that 'if it was important enough to you--' crap! I cannot just up n' travel whenever and wherever I feel like.
Blah. I don't know. I'm tired and still suffering 'owmyHEAD' aftershocks and I haven't been sleeping great. I'm on awkward terms with dad again (and he has no idea) and it's hard to keep up the energy to cook properly after work. I'm not floundering or suffering in any way, and I could develop better time management for sure, but - it takes time to do shit, and I have more shit to do than the average person. This doesn't mean the average person has it easy, it just means I have more hurdles to jump and possibly faceplant due to.
Oh well. At least my head is better today and the weather is nice. I should be able to paint tonight and possibly go for a run; that'd be cool. (I wanted to run last night but hur hur postdrome you suck.)
I also intend to keep in touch better with people; I've been elusive and weird the past year and I feel bad about that XD;
Awesome. Except for the part where it's not.
Well, at least I know what the hell that is now yes I didn't know about this phase of these things shush XD; I used to just deal with the damn things my burying my face in my pillow and sleeping them off, but there's days where I can't do that so I kind of have to power through and do my best - so now I'm actually noticing all the weird little symptoms I always slept through. And at first that scared the hell out of me. I was convinced something MUCH, MUCH WORSE WAS GOING ON and lo onward came the clenching of teeth in my sleep and the tension headache from hell.
Now I KNOW what's going on but it's still really annoying!
And I think my counselor's hypothesis that my migraines tend to hang around the left side of my head so much on account of because of my very noisy right brain might not be far off.
Yesterday I found myself talking very quietly to my own head, which amuses me. Like "Oh hey what's this annoying twinge crap. Is this connected to the exploding sinuses YAY dance or no - okay it's throbbing in time with that fabulous little number, gotcha, I guess I slept through this all the time before or staved it off. Or you're mixin' it up a little. Whatever. Ow. Ow. Ow. I can't say I blame you either way, head, the weather is on the baddest of drugs."
WHICH IT WAS I mean, yesterday in Toronto went a little something like RAIN/SUN/RAIN/SUN/WEAKEST BLEAKEST LITTLE MINI THUNDERSTORM EVER LIKE COME ON/SUN/WIND/RAIN/OH SO MUCH WIND/YAAAAAY and my head was just like *flings up hands in utter exasperation and hurts a ton*. It's sunny and very windy today. I can deal with that and my head is like *oh fuck yeah normalcy, I can handle this*. It's just regular old sinus pressure today! Yeah, the part that bites ass about my migraines is that they're the kind that likes to pretend it's a sinus issue and not a 'what are you doing blood vessels' one. I know the difference, though, because a migraine makes me the vertigo queen (things like feeling as if I am going to fall FORWARD out of a recliner I am reclining in are par for the course) and a normal case of pissy sinuses doesn't. But anyway, yes, migraines liek nasal area. I get olfactory hallucination type auras, get ragingly sensitive to scent, and because it usually ends up making me congested as well sometimes I get that wonderful "fuck I cannot taste anything dude" feeling.
The reason why I ramble about this stuff so much, I am unsure! I guess because I know other people who get migraines and flailing about the suck of them can feel better. Some of it too is reassuring myself that nothing worse is going on, which - yeah, I worry entirely too much. And some of it is recording for posterity so I know next time that a thing is migraine linked.
Bleh. What's really obnoxious about these things is the way they screw with my life. I can work, the hand-colouring of old prints and maps because the original colour has faded to nauseating pink and horrid yellow is something I can do. I don't have to think so much about what colour is where. I'm following the previous artists' lead.
Painting a PAINTING, though - yeah, not going to happen, and that annoys me because I wanted to have it done by father's day (it's for my grandfather) and I'm not sure if I can do that and like what I've done. Which means I'll get my father up my nose, because he thinks that my job is easy all the time and that I don't have to deal with crazy drivers and suchlike I must have all this marvellous free time and I'm jsut being lazy and shit if I don't feel up to doing anything after work.
My father, bless him, sometimes forgets that I have a couple of disabilities working against me, and that sometimes there are not enough fucking spoons in the world. He forgets this, he says, because I make it look easy. Yeah, well, 26 years of handling this nonsense has made it second nature to me. It still takes up time and it has an effect on me after, in the case of the ventolin. I cannot draw or paint with the annoying ventolin shakies. My family's got an inherited slight trembly-hand issue on both sides, and the ventolin makes it go "And, WEEEEEEEEEEEE" so I do NOT feel confident in my ability to do anything competently at that time.
The other thing is this. My grandfather (dad's dad) commissioned me to do a painting. Like - yes, I have family that likes my art enough to pay me for it, and that amazes me, because if they did not like it they would make that clear! But yeah so I got commissioned, and my father decided it was a really great idea for me to do the painting as a gift instead of as commissioned art. Because that's not going to make me feel like he thinks my work isn't worth anything amirite? I don't MIND doing gift art, as a matter of fact I adore it when people ask me for art, but this is just... Sometimes my father is profoundly disrespectful and he has no idea. I'm going to have to discuss this with him.
The other thing stalling the painting is that I don't have any emotional connection to the place I'm painting, which TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL HIPPIE but honestly I DO usually have some connection like that to what I'm painting. I can recall memories of that time and go 'yeah that was cool' and be happy and put that energy into the art. Hell, even my abstract stuff, it's like 'all right, paint, let's see what you do if I do this and THIS oh man badass it looks like an exploding tree now! ...yeah i should tone that down, Lin doesn't want an exploding tree even if it is cool-looking.' But with this place - I know my Grandpa M. loves it there, and so did the late, awesome Gramma M., and that some of the cousins have good memories of the place, but I don't have many memories of it at all. I remember fishing, and catching a fish that we actually had for dinner. My sister caught a fish as well, and it actually somehow flung itself off the hook and bounced around the bottom of the boat insanely until dad was able to catch the thing. So there's that memory, and the memory of sleeping in my uncle's enormous van with the camper bed backseat. But apart from that there isn't really anything and it makes me feel strange to look at this canvas in progress, and the picture of this place, and just not feel much of anything besides missing my grandmother.
Yeah, this painting isn't going as well as I'd hoped at all. And "having lots of tiiiiime" does not necessarily mean I have lots of USABLE TIME. Sometimes my father really gets how it is for me with my art, but sometimes he's just got no clue.
I've been magnum slow on a lot of commissions too, which I AM SO DAMNED SORRY OH GOD YOU GUYS D: I know I sound as if I'm making excuses and being a dick, but I assure you I am not blowing you off and fleeing with your cash. YOUR STUFF WILL GET DONE AND DONE WELL. I'm going to try harder to muster more energy after work so I can do art of a quality which I think isn't just acceptable, but good. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to pull that off but I'll think of something.
So yeah. Tonight I need to try to paint like a mofo. Hopefully it works. I really don't want to deal with my father's insinuations that I am addicted to the computer (and he always passes moral judgment about this, it seems - funnily he does not do that to other people who are addicted to something or recovering yeah I am perpetually the exception to his rules) - look, ALL MY FRIENDS ARE HERE! I keep in contact with people through this thing. I would LOVE to go places with them but you see SOME OF THEM ARE IN JAPAN OR NEW MEXICO SO I CAN'T EXACTLY DO THAT, NOW CAN I? I'm planning to meet up with one (whom i have a heartmark for, but it's a mutual heartmark, so I'm happy) sometime this year. I am TRAVELLING YES! tl;dr my dad really has no concept of the way life is for me because it's so far removed from his own experience, and he tends to derp out as a result.
Plus - guy I am doing everything for myself around here, you have help. You and mom ahve an amazing setup wherein all the work is divided. I just have my ass. And that leads me to another thing: THIS TIME OF YEAR DAMN IT. I know my engagement voiping was last August but damn it that's not that far away. And P is one of my best friends, and I miss him, and he's in the frickin' maritimes. And don't give me that 'if it was important enough to you--' crap! I cannot just up n' travel whenever and wherever I feel like.
Blah. I don't know. I'm tired and still suffering 'owmyHEAD' aftershocks and I haven't been sleeping great. I'm on awkward terms with dad again (and he has no idea) and it's hard to keep up the energy to cook properly after work. I'm not floundering or suffering in any way, and I could develop better time management for sure, but - it takes time to do shit, and I have more shit to do than the average person. This doesn't mean the average person has it easy, it just means I have more hurdles to jump and possibly faceplant due to.
Oh well. At least my head is better today and the weather is nice. I should be able to paint tonight and possibly go for a run; that'd be cool. (I wanted to run last night but hur hur postdrome you suck.)
I also intend to keep in touch better with people; I've been elusive and weird the past year and I feel bad about that XD;