Out of everything you said here, the only thing that is really upsetting to me is that you assume that I will react angrily and by lashing out, and that you think I think you are "an uppity, ungrateful fucking little bitch the same way as so very MANY other people do when I show the slightest bit of displeasure." That you think I will bring all my friends here to rip you apart. Do you think so little of me?
I didn't say, and don't think, that it is "okay" for privileged people to be upset every time they upset a minority group and do something wrong. What I *do* think is that responses that center around a locus of rage are never going to get anyone to listen. I wasn't upset when I read this, nor was I upset when I replied. I do not think you are ungrateful or uppity. My best friend has Lyme's disease; I have seen her suffer weakness, from a disease that was for many years "invisible," that got doctors to tell her "you're just crazy." I have gone to her house and cooked for her on days when she couldn't get off the couch. I have patiently sat through days when she cried and felt like killing herself because she felt so "useless." I can't imagine what it's like to live a life of counting spoons, and I don't pretend to. But I do know it sucks colossally, and it's not something I'm cavalier about.
I don't think privileged people who speak from a locus of rage are in the right or going to get anyone to listen, either. That is why I didn't tell you that you had no right to complain. You *do* have a right to complain, and you have a right to get angry. At no point have I intended to imply that *any* minority group does not have the right to complain or get angry.
However, if you want someone to listen to you, those things will not work. People never listen when you're angry, whether you are in the position of one who is privileged or one who is abused; whether you are on the side of justice or injustice. This isn't about me whining that minorities should be held to a higher standard than people who are not minorities. That is unfair to minorities (though it is also, sadly, true.) This is more about the fact that the sad thing is, if we keep yelling at each other--no matter WHO is right in this argument, and it very often if not always is minority--you will get nowhere.
If I try to make a polite argument and your response is an emotional "HOW DARE YOU" and "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'VE SUFFERED", EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE 100% TOTALLY RIGHT, it encourages people to stop listening. The fact is, EVEN IF YOU ARE RIGHT, people don't listen to people who are insulting them. The fact is, anger encourages defensiveness. If you just want to vent, fine. anger is great for that, and I have no doubt you're justified. But If you want things to change, anger will not aid you. Anger is something that fuels hatred and divisiveness, never unity or understanding. Never "Wow, I realize now how privileged I am." Anger makes people think, "Leave me alone! I don't want to deal with this anymore." It encourages people of any belief for any reason to ignore.
Even if you're justified in insulting me and ripping me apart, in shouting, "HOW DARE YOU", it makes it harder to take your arguments seriously, to put the hurt feelings aside, harder to think about your argument, because all I can think about is how I made a comment in sincerity, tried to make it thoughtful, polite, and tried to analyze it backwards and forwards five times and read it over three and still in the end admit that I come from a position of privilege, and all you can do is yell at me.
That, too, is hurtful. Even when I am in the wrong, anger is a weapon of hurt, and you have hurt me. If that was your intent, well... you succeeded. But if you intent was to change my mind, you've failed.
Re: How about a tall ice cold glass of Bitch Please. It's refreshing.
I didn't say, and don't think, that it is "okay" for privileged people to be upset every time they upset a minority group and do something wrong. What I *do* think is that responses that center around a locus of rage are never going to get anyone to listen. I wasn't upset when I read this, nor was I upset when I replied. I do not think you are ungrateful or uppity. My best friend has Lyme's disease; I have seen her suffer weakness, from a disease that was for many years "invisible," that got doctors to tell her "you're just crazy." I have gone to her house and cooked for her on days when she couldn't get off the couch. I have patiently sat through days when she cried and felt like killing herself because she felt so "useless." I can't imagine what it's like to live a life of counting spoons, and I don't pretend to. But I do know it sucks colossally, and it's not something I'm cavalier about.
I don't think privileged people who speak from a locus of rage are in the right or going to get anyone to listen, either. That is why I didn't tell you that you had no right to complain. You *do* have a right to complain, and you have a right to get angry. At no point have I intended to imply that *any* minority group does not have the right to complain or get angry.
However, if you want someone to listen to you, those things will not work. People never listen when you're angry, whether you are in the position of one who is privileged or one who is abused; whether you are on the side of justice or injustice. This isn't about me whining that minorities should be held to a higher standard than people who are not minorities. That is unfair to minorities (though it is also, sadly, true.) This is more about the fact that the sad thing is, if we keep yelling at each other--no matter WHO is right in this argument, and it very often if not always is minority--you will get nowhere.
If I try to make a polite argument and your response is an emotional "HOW DARE YOU" and "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'VE SUFFERED", EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE 100% TOTALLY RIGHT, it encourages people to stop listening. The fact is, EVEN IF YOU ARE RIGHT, people don't listen to people who are insulting them. The fact is, anger encourages defensiveness. If you just want to vent, fine. anger is great for that, and I have no doubt you're justified. But If you want things to change, anger will not aid you. Anger is something that fuels hatred and divisiveness, never unity or understanding. Never "Wow, I realize now how privileged I am." Anger makes people think, "Leave me alone! I don't want to deal with this anymore." It encourages people of any belief for any reason to ignore.
Even if you're justified in insulting me and ripping me apart, in shouting, "HOW DARE YOU", it makes it harder to take your arguments seriously, to put the hurt feelings aside, harder to think about your argument, because all I can think about is how I made a comment in sincerity, tried to make it thoughtful, polite, and tried to analyze it backwards and forwards five times and read it over three and still in the end admit that I come from a position of privilege, and all you can do is yell at me.
That, too, is hurtful. Even when I am in the wrong, anger is a weapon of hurt, and you have hurt me. If that was your intent, well... you succeeded. But if you intent was to change my mind, you've failed.