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[yukie]

Would the DEPRESSION JUST VACATE ME ALREADY.

I'm really tired of this.

Also, the next arrogant, contemptible worm to call me a child, or treat me as if I were one, is going to bear the full brunt of my cruelty.

(Spare me the 'but you're acting like one' puling. If I were acting like one I'd have abandoned my empathy and verb-flayed you to a little pile of whining mess by now. Swagger in the opposite direction from me.)

I haven't been a child for a long time.

Spare me. Go and DIE. You pathetic swaggering peacock's gigolo. You have NO IDEA WHO I AM. You know only the heap of broken images and stupid assumptions that form 'me' in your limited vapid mind. Get thee hence before I beat you down with my damn sponge mop.

I'm not here to be an ego booster for the wounded who never had to claw their way through recovery pretty much alone. I'm not interested in being the whipping girl for cowards who close ranks and think it's okay to do that to me because someone else did that to them. I'm not going to let people who want a life with no consequences, with all perks and no work, with no FIGHTING act like Im somehow their ineferior because they never saw anything bad happen to me so it can't have, fuck you Ikari wannabe.

I am not what the ignorant think of me.

And I really wish the horrible abdominal cramps would get lost. D:

Urgh urgh urgh quarterly checkup tomorrow I don't wanna do it.

Comments

[mullenkamp]

Well then.

I'm not sure exactly where that came from, but I'm fifty years old, and from where I'm sitting unless you're one of those Losstarot types that's secretly older than dirt and is just pretending to be twenty-five on account of a love of fucking with people, everyone's a kid to me. It's not some condescending statement on who you are as a person. Really, it's just not that deep. I'm not that deep. I get now that it's a trigger for you though, and I'm sorry. Raised by moblins, et cetera.

But let me tell you something about clawing your way out by yourself. I've been there, and it sucks. It's this fucked up paradox that no one can really do it alone, though, even at the same time it's only you that knows your head that way. I was on pills until I hated how numb they made me feel. The thing these stories never tell you is recovery's something continual, and it never stops. I've been at it for almost thirty years and sometimes I feel like I still don't have anything to show for it, except that I'm not murdering people anymore. Baby steps, right? Heh.

I know from abuse. I know from no one giving a shit about you, about whether you live or die, because of some bullshit notion of 'the greater good'. I know how truly disgusting that cold and clinical term 'collateral damage' is. I know from people staring at you, demanding to know why the fuck can't you just keep it together, what the fuck is wrong with you. And I know just a little about being blamed for everything that goes wrong, the side eyes, the forever having to prove yourself. You know, when they give you empty platitudes to your face while they're secretly waiting for the other shoe to drop so they can be proven right about you? Yeah, I get that. And I get constantly not being believed about the things that happened to you, the ways you got hurt and beaten down and broken because that CAN'T happen and you're just looking for excuses to justify your unjustifiable behavior and Gods where's Shinlu, I need another fucking beer.

So I suppose what I'm saying here is you're not alone. There's at least one person that gets you and doesn't think you're broken or evil or lying.

Also

[mullenkamp]

Maybe I got a little triggered myself. I see a lot of my girls in you, and god knows I've fucked up badly enough on both those fronts to fill up whole case studies.

You bring out the guilty Mama Bear in me. I'm sorry for shitting my issues on your head.

Re: Also

[yukie]

It's okay man, I issue'd into the aether and pissed off Ryougi.

Mostly it's like: it is humid, I am crampy, I am worried about the former boyfriend's return, I am worried about the trip and this time of year blows and I hate everything yay. :B Mst of al MY OWN FACE.

The great med search sucks and blows, seriously. it took me a few tries. Paxil made me vibrate, Effexor made my libido die. All the Wellbutrin has done is make me drop the weight I put on with the Effexor, I can live with that. It bites when the medicine doesn't work. You wonder if you're too screwed up to be helped by it, or if your brain is just fundamentally borked, or it's SUPPOSED to feel lousy and you need to suck it up and so on -

I was never told not to question a doctor so I lucked out on that. I was always told 'if this makes you feel bad, tell us'. A lot of people aren't that lucky.

I'm loud, bitchy, pushy, stubborn, and I have the ego of a Siamese cat XD; I have big floncy issues with trust; I think the worst of just about everyone, most of all my ass. So yeah. I am not going to go *mock mock*. And I apologize for being the temperamental ankle-gnawing death feline and assuming the worst.

And I am now blushing, because your kids are cool :B

[lady_ganesh]

Want a hug?