Maybe I'm just destined to lose everything and everyone and be alone or something.
It isn't fair. There's a million people in this world way more unkind and obnoxious than me who don't even bother to make amends and people still BEND OVER BACKWARD for them - and I'm this pariah who has to prove herself over and over and OVER again after fucking up ONCE.
I keep wondering what the hell I'm paying for. What I'm atoning for. What I could have possibly done that I can't -keep- anything. That I can have no sanctuary. That I'm perpetually this social failure.
I now it's probably not as bad as it seems and that I'll feel better eventually but right now all there is, is this gnawing fear. The roots are deep enough that I can feel them in the marrow of my bones. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. I can hear the voice at the back of my head yelling 'get out get out get out GET OUT NOW, run before they can ditch you, hurt them before they can hurt you and hurt them so deeply that they know every iota of your pain and break under the weight of it.'
I won't. I'll wait and see if it's necessary and if it is there won't be a parting shot. I don't grudge wank, I vanish. No point in giving people more reason to imply that I'm basically demoniacal.
There are days I'm tempted to just disappear completely, but I know there ARE people who would miss me, and they're the ones who matter.
I have to keep telling myself that.
I'm just exhausted. I've had a headache almost constantly for the entirety of April and May and it's starting to wear on me. I don't like how allergy medicine makes me feel and I worry about what too much ibuprofen might do to my system (even though I don't take anywhere near the max daily dose).
And man, I don't know why I'm posting this HERE. Apart from two people it's like shouting into the void. XD Maybe I'll just dump this account and move back to LJ. I can always post fic under filter there.
I'll think about it.
Blah. Thank hell for counselors. This appointment is just in fucking time.
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