Unyurrrghhh.
Apr. 27th, 2010 06:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
yukieSo one of my friends can be a true dim bulb about gender and sexuality.
It's like - dude. I am bi, you know I am, I told you I have a huge heartmark for another woman. You've seen me and how I dress. It's not 'feminine'. My hair is short. I live in hoodies.
I am neither ideally straight nor ideally girly.
So why the hell, knowing that, would you parrot annoying stereotypes that play into shit that hurts not only me but others?
Like the idea that if Vicky sleeps with a guy other than your dude in the game we're in it's cheating but if she does with another woman it's not.
Like your constant fucking harping on characters who look 'too pretty' and your even more constant fucking harping on how none of your male characters look 'delicate' (I will cry laughing if she honestly doesn't know that word is a dog whistle/unsubtle hint term for an effeminate-therefore-gay guy...and I am not even going to TOUCH that fallacy right now, or get into how masculine and feminine are for the most part arbitrary definitions BECAUSE IF I START THE RAGE WILL NEVER END...)
Like your related fail with regard to female androgyny - so women can be boyish (but never too much so) but guys can't - I just - goddamn. I feel profoundly fetishized by you.
The fact that you cannot keep straight that different game + different players + different universe and have your characters accuse Isaac and Vicky of infidelity BUT YET you just take for granted that I'll know that your one game is not the same universe as the other? That's the cherry on the failsundae. Okay, I do know; why the fuck can't you keep it together and WHY THE FUCK am I obligated to give you more leeway than I get, bint?
Yeah I -am- fucking jealous of your little private games because when you're faffing around there and neglecting the one that you can't stop demanding people post in immediately when it's their turn I FEEL LIKE YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME OUTSIDE WHAT I CAN GIVE TO YOU. Yeah, so I don't make things as fucking easy for you as your other partner - I never have for ANYONE. I don't DO gimmies, I think they're insulting to the intelligence of the people I'm gaming with. I certainly won't take my characters OOC to give you what you think you deserve because you're unhappy, and Im not obligated to acknowledge your characters' informed abilities as canonical. Unless I -see- the fuckin' ninja moves I'm not going to believe your damned Buffy expy is that badass. Especially since she gets abducted all the fuckadoodledoo time. Usually when you want attention.
EVERYONE SHARES THE SPOTLIGHT, DINGBAT. Jesus! GM favoritism's annoying as shit, why would I even--
Ugh. I'm sore and the trees are banging and I just cannot for the life of me figure out a way to make this stick in this girl's head. It's like - for fuck's sake, you are hurting me. This is not something you can ignore as distant-concept-affecting-hypothetical-group. YOU ARE HURTING ME. And that's not even the main reason why it's important, fershitsakes, it's important because you sound IGNORANT and people will ASSUME THINGS ABOUT YOU if you keep it up and you're fucking smarter than this already.
I'm just the immediate face of the people your ignorance is hurting. You cannot fucking ignore something that close to you; if you do you're an ass on an epic level.
When I am CALM enough to express this I am going to but right now I'm still angry and perilously close to going *WHERE THE FUCK THE SCYTHE AT* so I'm sitting on my bloody hands.
Damn it, if it were the other way around I'd be like, 'ah fuck my bad, that was shitty, I'll watch myself.' And I'd DO it. She - gets some things but intersectionality escapes her, so while she's stopped harping on and on and ON about how such-and-so ABSOLUTELY CAN NEVER BE GAY - as if them being gay changes them for the worse them somehow - she hasn't fucking stopped the rest of the genderfail and the sexualityfail.
I have never ever been as careless as she is. But that's the case in a LOT of my relationships - fuck, someone still owes me (AND SEVERAL OTHERS) an apology for dipshitty NASTY bullshit they pulled AGES back and I probably wouldn't even recollect that if they weren't such a damn spoiled brat about demanding apologies from me. You owe ME an apology, bhadra; you owe a LOT of people apologies for turning on them and hurting them to make yourself feel good when shit with your disgusting ass of a partner got bad. You probably know this; maybe you feel guilty and aren't sure where to begin, but the longer you wait the worse it will get and the harder it will be.
YOUR BEING IN PAIN DID NOT ENTITLE YOU TO HURT OTHERS. I learned that concept VERY YOUNG and if you haven't grasped it yet you're a fool. Until you make amends for what you did to others the shadow of it will follow you around. TRUST ME ON THIS ONE, IT HAS HAPPENED TO ME OVER AND OVER. Not in the same context, but - the Lady is not one for soft touches. She is liberal with the clue hammer. She WANTS us to learn so She will KEEP HAMMERING until we GET it.
What the fuck is this? I really REALLY want to know. How come I have to beg forgiveness and other people are permitted to pretend I can never be harmed by their ignorance and carelessness? Why is it that I have to CONSTANTLY STRIVE TO MAKE UP FOR SMALL MISTAKES for people who want free lunches from me all the time and demand and carte blanche to do what they want when they want to me.
WHY THE FUCK AM I A CRIMINAL ON PROBATION IN PEOPLE'S MINDS? What the fuck is this double standard? What did I do to deserve this? I am profoundly sick of this Javert nonsense from people who are just as human and fallible as me!
Why the hell don't I matter enough for people to treat me like they want me to treat them and how I fucking TRY to treat them. If I hurt people I feel MISERABLE and I want to make amends because I know I've screwed up.
HOW THE DAMNED COME I HAVE TO LIVE WITH THIS PAIN WHILE OTHER PEOPLE CAN JUST CLOSE THEIR EYES AND PRETEND THAT I AM IMAGINARY AND INCAPABLE OF BEING HURT.
If it's necessary that I vidchat on Skype with these people to prove I'm real then - I don't know.
Some days I don't know why I try. Some days I don't know why I'm doing this. Why I care. It would be so, so, SO easy to slip back into old habits out I know damn well when I got there I'd be miserable; the only thing I can do is keep walking and hope.
But oh it's fucking hard. I don't deal with as much as many MANY others but when close friends start failing in your face it's difficult not to feel betrayed.
I've taken at least one positive away from this, though. I realize that having a lot to make up for doesn't mean I deserve to be wounded. I understand that now.
It's like - dude. I am bi, you know I am, I told you I have a huge heartmark for another woman. You've seen me and how I dress. It's not 'feminine'. My hair is short. I live in hoodies.
I am neither ideally straight nor ideally girly.
So why the hell, knowing that, would you parrot annoying stereotypes that play into shit that hurts not only me but others?
Like the idea that if Vicky sleeps with a guy other than your dude in the game we're in it's cheating but if she does with another woman it's not.
Like your constant fucking harping on characters who look 'too pretty' and your even more constant fucking harping on how none of your male characters look 'delicate' (I will cry laughing if she honestly doesn't know that word is a dog whistle/unsubtle hint term for an effeminate-therefore-gay guy...and I am not even going to TOUCH that fallacy right now, or get into how masculine and feminine are for the most part arbitrary definitions BECAUSE IF I START THE RAGE WILL NEVER END...)
Like your related fail with regard to female androgyny - so women can be boyish (but never too much so) but guys can't - I just - goddamn. I feel profoundly fetishized by you.
The fact that you cannot keep straight that different game + different players + different universe and have your characters accuse Isaac and Vicky of infidelity BUT YET you just take for granted that I'll know that your one game is not the same universe as the other? That's the cherry on the failsundae. Okay, I do know; why the fuck can't you keep it together and WHY THE FUCK am I obligated to give you more leeway than I get, bint?
Yeah I -am- fucking jealous of your little private games because when you're faffing around there and neglecting the one that you can't stop demanding people post in immediately when it's their turn I FEEL LIKE YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME OUTSIDE WHAT I CAN GIVE TO YOU. Yeah, so I don't make things as fucking easy for you as your other partner - I never have for ANYONE. I don't DO gimmies, I think they're insulting to the intelligence of the people I'm gaming with. I certainly won't take my characters OOC to give you what you think you deserve because you're unhappy, and Im not obligated to acknowledge your characters' informed abilities as canonical. Unless I -see- the fuckin' ninja moves I'm not going to believe your damned Buffy expy is that badass. Especially since she gets abducted all the fuckadoodledoo time. Usually when you want attention.
EVERYONE SHARES THE SPOTLIGHT, DINGBAT. Jesus! GM favoritism's annoying as shit, why would I even--
Ugh. I'm sore and the trees are banging and I just cannot for the life of me figure out a way to make this stick in this girl's head. It's like - for fuck's sake, you are hurting me. This is not something you can ignore as distant-concept-affecting-hypothetical-group. YOU ARE HURTING ME. And that's not even the main reason why it's important, fershitsakes, it's important because you sound IGNORANT and people will ASSUME THINGS ABOUT YOU if you keep it up and you're fucking smarter than this already.
I'm just the immediate face of the people your ignorance is hurting. You cannot fucking ignore something that close to you; if you do you're an ass on an epic level.
When I am CALM enough to express this I am going to but right now I'm still angry and perilously close to going *WHERE THE FUCK THE SCYTHE AT* so I'm sitting on my bloody hands.
Damn it, if it were the other way around I'd be like, 'ah fuck my bad, that was shitty, I'll watch myself.' And I'd DO it. She - gets some things but intersectionality escapes her, so while she's stopped harping on and on and ON about how such-and-so ABSOLUTELY CAN NEVER BE GAY - as if them being gay changes them for the worse them somehow - she hasn't fucking stopped the rest of the genderfail and the sexualityfail.
I have never ever been as careless as she is. But that's the case in a LOT of my relationships - fuck, someone still owes me (AND SEVERAL OTHERS) an apology for dipshitty NASTY bullshit they pulled AGES back and I probably wouldn't even recollect that if they weren't such a damn spoiled brat about demanding apologies from me. You owe ME an apology, bhadra; you owe a LOT of people apologies for turning on them and hurting them to make yourself feel good when shit with your disgusting ass of a partner got bad. You probably know this; maybe you feel guilty and aren't sure where to begin, but the longer you wait the worse it will get and the harder it will be.
YOUR BEING IN PAIN DID NOT ENTITLE YOU TO HURT OTHERS. I learned that concept VERY YOUNG and if you haven't grasped it yet you're a fool. Until you make amends for what you did to others the shadow of it will follow you around. TRUST ME ON THIS ONE, IT HAS HAPPENED TO ME OVER AND OVER. Not in the same context, but - the Lady is not one for soft touches. She is liberal with the clue hammer. She WANTS us to learn so She will KEEP HAMMERING until we GET it.
What the fuck is this? I really REALLY want to know. How come I have to beg forgiveness and other people are permitted to pretend I can never be harmed by their ignorance and carelessness? Why is it that I have to CONSTANTLY STRIVE TO MAKE UP FOR SMALL MISTAKES for people who want free lunches from me all the time and demand and carte blanche to do what they want when they want to me.
WHY THE FUCK AM I A CRIMINAL ON PROBATION IN PEOPLE'S MINDS? What the fuck is this double standard? What did I do to deserve this? I am profoundly sick of this Javert nonsense from people who are just as human and fallible as me!
Why the hell don't I matter enough for people to treat me like they want me to treat them and how I fucking TRY to treat them. If I hurt people I feel MISERABLE and I want to make amends because I know I've screwed up.
HOW THE DAMNED COME I HAVE TO LIVE WITH THIS PAIN WHILE OTHER PEOPLE CAN JUST CLOSE THEIR EYES AND PRETEND THAT I AM IMAGINARY AND INCAPABLE OF BEING HURT.
If it's necessary that I vidchat on Skype with these people to prove I'm real then - I don't know.
Some days I don't know why I try. Some days I don't know why I'm doing this. Why I care. It would be so, so, SO easy to slip back into old habits out I know damn well when I got there I'd be miserable; the only thing I can do is keep walking and hope.
But oh it's fucking hard. I don't deal with as much as many MANY others but when close friends start failing in your face it's difficult not to feel betrayed.
I've taken at least one positive away from this, though. I realize that having a lot to make up for doesn't mean I deserve to be wounded. I understand that now.
