Okay, look. I understand what you're trying to communicate, but I don't think you understand what it sounds like when you say it. So let me point some stuff out.
First: Often, the way privileged people find out that they've done something wrong/insulting/embarrassing is when people in the minority get angry and tell them. If I trip and spill chicken on somebody, and they respond with, "Oh, it's okay, no big deal," I might actually think that it's no big deal. I might do it again, and then get confused and upset when the next person does NOT brush it off. The reason there's so much privilege out there is that most people won't say anything when you spill chicken on them. They're used to it, they don't want to cause a scene. To use the chicken metaphor: as you're walking with your seven orders of kung pao chicken, one box falls off the top of your stack, tumbles over the balcony and lands on somebody's head. You don't notice, they don't say anything. But the chicken still got spilled and the harm was done, even if you didn't notice it and they didn't say anything.
Second: One person has the right to offer forgiveness to another person, but that doesn't mean that all people everywhere have to do that. Lance can turn to Joe, who's working with his minority group, and say, "I don't hold your ancestors' fuckups against you. You are treating my people like people, which is why you're here." That doesn't mean that any other native tribe has to forgive Joe's ancestors. Also: Lance doesn't want Joe to feel ancestral guilt for the Sins of the White Man; that doesn't give Joe a free pass from acting like a douche. That doesn't mean that any other individual in a minority has to "forgive" any other individual for anything, ever. If I spill chicken on YOU, your pal next to you who didn't get hit with the chicken doesn't get to tell me that it's okay. YOU have the right to tell me it's okay, or it's not. You can choose not to feel guilty that your ancestors have been spilling chicken on mullenkamp's ancestors for two hundred years; that doesn't mean that it's okay if YOU spill chicken on mullenkamp. She has the right to get angry and you have the responsibility to apologize. You don't have to apologize for Your People's Sins Against Another Person's People, just YOUR fuckup against HER.
Third: Anger is a reasonable reaction for someone who's being hurt/attacked. If I spill chicken on somebody and they scream at me, it's my job to apologize. Period. No matter WHAT their reaction is, and no matter how "out of whack" it seems to me. Maybe they're on vacation and this is the only clean outfit they have available. Maybe they're on the way to work and now they'll have to go home and change and they'll be late and their boss has told them if they're late they're getting fired. Maybe the shirt they're wearing is their favorite shirt, given to them by their late and much-beloved grandmother, and now it's ruined because it's covered in kung pao sauce. Maybe they've had to put up with people accidentally spilling food on them two or three times a day, every day, for their entire damned lives, and so now when someone does it, they get ROYALLY PISSED OFF. My job is STILL to apologize, because I've STILL done something terrible. If that means that the next time I spill food on somebody my reaction is not to apologize but to get defensive, maybe I ought to take a look at my behavior, because, dude, that's pretty fucked up.
tl;dr: it is never your job to tell someone who is not your child that their anger is not constructive or helpful. Ever.
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branchandroot
Re: I want to share...
Date: 2010-07-22 07:24 pm (UTC)First: Often, the way privileged people find out that they've done something wrong/insulting/embarrassing is when people in the minority get angry and tell them. If I trip and spill chicken on somebody, and they respond with, "Oh, it's okay, no big deal," I might actually think that it's no big deal. I might do it again, and then get confused and upset when the next person does NOT brush it off. The reason there's so much privilege out there is that most people won't say anything when you spill chicken on them. They're used to it, they don't want to cause a scene. To use the chicken metaphor: as you're walking with your seven orders of kung pao chicken, one box falls off the top of your stack, tumbles over the balcony and lands on somebody's head. You don't notice, they don't say anything. But the chicken still got spilled and the harm was done, even if you didn't notice it and they didn't say anything.
Second: One person has the right to offer forgiveness to another person, but that doesn't mean that all people everywhere have to do that. Lance can turn to Joe, who's working with his minority group, and say, "I don't hold your ancestors' fuckups against you. You are treating my people like people, which is why you're here." That doesn't mean that any other native tribe has to forgive Joe's ancestors. Also: Lance doesn't want Joe to feel ancestral guilt for the Sins of the White Man; that doesn't give Joe a free pass from acting like a douche. That doesn't mean that any other individual in a minority has to "forgive" any other individual for anything, ever. If I spill chicken on YOU, your pal next to you who didn't get hit with the chicken doesn't get to tell me that it's okay. YOU have the right to tell me it's okay, or it's not. You can choose not to feel guilty that your ancestors have been spilling chicken on
Third: Anger is a reasonable reaction for someone who's being hurt/attacked. If I spill chicken on somebody and they scream at me, it's my job to apologize. Period. No matter WHAT their reaction is, and no matter how "out of whack" it seems to me. Maybe they're on vacation and this is the only clean outfit they have available. Maybe they're on the way to work and now they'll have to go home and change and they'll be late and their boss has told them if they're late they're getting fired. Maybe the shirt they're wearing is their favorite shirt, given to them by their late and much-beloved grandmother, and now it's ruined because it's covered in kung pao sauce. Maybe they've had to put up with people accidentally spilling food on them two or three times a day, every day, for their entire damned lives, and so now when someone does it, they get ROYALLY PISSED OFF. My job is STILL to apologize, because I've STILL done something terrible. If that means that the next time I spill food on somebody my reaction is not to apologize but to get defensive, maybe I ought to take a look at my behavior, because, dude, that's pretty fucked up.
tl;dr: it is never your job to tell someone who is not your child that their anger is not constructive or helpful. Ever.