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yukieSome days I'm just absolutely amazed by the depth of my desire to start digging my nails into people and then dragging and dragging and dragging...
It scares me, this side of me that actively WANTS to make other people suffer. It's like this horrible little sealed flame, some bastard lantern in my gut that I can't douse with anything.
I want to seize on every insecurity people have and exploit it until they cry. To know I have that power. To know I can make them feel my pain just by speaking the right words. To know every crack in their armour is mine to exploit and widen. To make them know the same thing. To make them kneel under the weight of their own agony and insecurity and know that they're weaker than me because heaven only knows I endured all that and more day after day after day, with no little blessed preciouses or cliques to hide behind - and I never broke.
I know how to break so many people. I know exactly what threads I'd need to pull for all they think they are, for everything they ever through was true about themselves to unravel.
This is what happens when you're a heartseer. Anger leads to this temptation. The fact that I COULD drive some people to the brink of wanting to die - and that I want to do this to some people - is terrifying.
And if you think I'm exaggerating - that am mere artist like me could never possibly bring the greatness of YOU to ruin because I'm so obviously you inferior aren't I?...Think again. =_= I'm more than pleased to demonstrate - my claws are honed on the bones of the arrogant!
No one is ever as strong as they think they are and the only reason I ever became strong at all (and sometimes I am not strong - sometimes I break and have to repair myself) is I had to. The only reason I don't melt down under strain - or rather the reason I reconstitute eventually and get back up and make myself walk like that is I never had the privilege of syaing a liquid, as it were. I never had anyone telling me I was ever-so-pretty-and-special. No - any gift I ever had was nothing but a reason I should have been doing better, doing more, being anything other than what I am! Any talent I had was a weapon to use against me.
You wish to play make-believe and put on airs and act as if you were my superior because - oh, pick any petty reason.
Go right ahead, but know that I have more than enough slings and arrows at my disposal to not only topple you but make you resemble nothing so much as the Ten of Swords card writ ludicrously exaggerated.
Part of me wants to do that right now.
That part of me is something it's difficult to admit exists. That part of me, I will probably always fear. I'm learning to embrace my shadow, but the part of it that's ever-hungering is hard to bear.
It scares me, this side of me that actively WANTS to make other people suffer. It's like this horrible little sealed flame, some bastard lantern in my gut that I can't douse with anything.
I want to seize on every insecurity people have and exploit it until they cry. To know I have that power. To know I can make them feel my pain just by speaking the right words. To know every crack in their armour is mine to exploit and widen. To make them know the same thing. To make them kneel under the weight of their own agony and insecurity and know that they're weaker than me because heaven only knows I endured all that and more day after day after day, with no little blessed preciouses or cliques to hide behind - and I never broke.
I know how to break so many people. I know exactly what threads I'd need to pull for all they think they are, for everything they ever through was true about themselves to unravel.
This is what happens when you're a heartseer. Anger leads to this temptation. The fact that I COULD drive some people to the brink of wanting to die - and that I want to do this to some people - is terrifying.
And if you think I'm exaggerating - that am mere artist like me could never possibly bring the greatness of YOU to ruin because I'm so obviously you inferior aren't I?...Think again. =_= I'm more than pleased to demonstrate - my claws are honed on the bones of the arrogant!
No one is ever as strong as they think they are and the only reason I ever became strong at all (and sometimes I am not strong - sometimes I break and have to repair myself) is I had to. The only reason I don't melt down under strain - or rather the reason I reconstitute eventually and get back up and make myself walk like that is I never had the privilege of syaing a liquid, as it were. I never had anyone telling me I was ever-so-pretty-and-special. No - any gift I ever had was nothing but a reason I should have been doing better, doing more, being anything other than what I am! Any talent I had was a weapon to use against me.
You wish to play make-believe and put on airs and act as if you were my superior because - oh, pick any petty reason.
Go right ahead, but know that I have more than enough slings and arrows at my disposal to not only topple you but make you resemble nothing so much as the Ten of Swords card writ ludicrously exaggerated.
Part of me wants to do that right now.
That part of me is something it's difficult to admit exists. That part of me, I will probably always fear. I'm learning to embrace my shadow, but the part of it that's ever-hungering is hard to bear.