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Jun. 23rd, 2011 09:10 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
yukieTITLE: Katabasis
FANDOM: WCIII/WoW - somewhere between the two.
PEOPLE: One of many who didn't make it all the way north.
PAIRING: N/A
RATING: 14A-ish.
WARNINGS: lol undead creepers. Basically this is the end result of me having no sleep, lousy dreams, and a critical lack of an ego. Beware descriptions of the onset of hypothermia, as well as references to emotional beatdowns.
NOTES: At least I can get something out of anxiety dreams. Goddamn this hurt to write though. Embodiment of all my fears much.
***
I. Contact
They're not coming back. You ought to be aware of this by now. You've got an impressive capacity for self-delusion.
"...I am not hearing this."
As I said.
***
II. Bottom of the Box
Why did you come up here? Some misplaced sense of responsibility? Delusions of grandeur? Or did you just want to die?
"They needed me."
Obviously not as much as you needed them, or else they'd still be here. They're not coming back.
"I'm not listening to you."
I'm constantly amazed at you people and your ability to cling to false hope past the point of rationality.
"If you're calling me insane I'm having trouble getting offended, considering who you probably are."
So you've decided to acknowledge me for who I am?
"I said 'probably'. Though the sheer vainglory you have going on here is making it harder for me to pretend you're not..."
***
III. Noli Nomen Vocare
"Are you harassing me because you're bored?"
The reason you hear me so clearly is that you're dying. I'm not sure why or how you've managed to hang on this long. I'll chalk it up to bullheaded stupidity. The same kind, by the way, that's letting you keep believing anyone will come for you.
"Shut up. They'll come back."
No. They're not coming back. THey don't need you as much as you do them. And that one your thoughts keep drifting to doesn't love you, or you wouldn't be alone here freezing to death on some Light-forsaken glacier in the middle of nowhere.
"...That was just this side of fucking CHILDISH, P--no. Fuck that. He's dead, you're dead, I'm not paying attention to you."
Not going to appeal to my better nature? Maybe you're not as naive as I thought.
"I'm not that desperate."
If you say so. Don't fall asleep, now.
***
IV. Slow Down
I'm surprised you can still think.
"I don't want to die."
So that's what's keeping you going now. Fear? I suppose I can't blame you. They feed you all manner of horror stories about me. About us.
"It's not stories. I know what you did."
Which part of me is 'you'?
"I...what?"
Which of us do you mean.
"Either. ...I hate you."
Not an uncommon sentiment. What brought that outburst on?
"You did. Leave me alone. Go away. Go back to sleep. If I'm going to die just leave me alone."
As far as the world beyond here is concerned, you're dead already.
"...I'm not going to die here. I won't. Fuck off."
Now you're being childish.
***
V. Silence
I probably look like you now. How they said you did. Before, I mean. Like. Bluish. And white. I can't feel my toes."
You'd very likely lose them if you were saved. Your fingers, too. You're on the downward spiral, I'm afraid. It won't be long now.
"...They forgot I'm here. It's so quiet here..."
Yes. They've made themselves forget. They've told themselves you were a burden, malicious, selfish, dangerous--anything at all that lets them rationalize having sacrificed you to save their own skin. It's odd, really--they profess to follow the light, but here they are leaving me live sacrifices as if they were trolls trying to placate a hungry loa.
"..."
Are you asleep?
"...No..."
At ay rate, it's good to see you being realistic about this. It took you far too long to start facing this like an adult instead of a self-delusional child. You were, for all itents and purposes, sacrificed. You were--and are--an acceptable loss. They've been sacrificing you for years, really. Your mage will say you were too much like the malicious partner they ran from, even though you're not. Your warrior--wasn't she the one who used to come to you inebriated and shout at you for hours because she didn't have the courage to face her real demons? They've ascribed to you all manner of motives that aren't yours because you lack the necessary malice, cunning and entitlement to possess them. Really, you're quite a doormat. Why did you let them kill you?
"...How do you know..."
I see more with eyes closed than any given one of you will see in a lifetime.That includes, by the by, your mage and your priest. Incidentally, the fact that you're a halfbreed influenced their decision to let you die here. More rationalizing, of course. And they call themselves civilized races.
"...So...did...did they..."
Who do you mean?
"...Love me? At all?"
You're talking about that one. I see. I can answer that, but I'm not sure you want to hear it.
"...No. I don't. If the answer is no I don't want to hear it. I at least want the memory of it maybe having been something good. Even if it wasn't and even if I didn't matter and even if it's really okay to them that I'm going to die alone here..."
You're not alone here. Of course, no one will hold you as you die, but you are not alone.
***
VI. Ebb Tide
It will be over soon. Your heart will stop. Your mind will stop. Then the pain will go away.
"...don't want to die..."
Everyone thinks that. Don't worry. After that, it won't hurt anymore.
"...hey...stay with me."
I thought you hated me.
"...just until i'm gone. please."
Have you changed your mind, then?
"...don't want to die alone..."
Will you come to me willingly after death, then? You will not be alone again.
"..."
Yes or no, paladin?
"..."
The barest movement of her head: a nod.
The last flicker of light across a dying mind: please just don't let me die alone.
I told you. You're not alone.
***
VII. Wake
The air is thin and cold atop the fortress. Five years after, they meet face to face for the first time.
For the first time in many, many years, she has reason to smile.
"...You were right...
...It doesn't hurt any more."
***
AN: Yay for freaking myself out. @_@
FANDOM: WCIII/WoW - somewhere between the two.
PEOPLE: One of many who didn't make it all the way north.
PAIRING: N/A
RATING: 14A-ish.
WARNINGS: lol undead creepers. Basically this is the end result of me having no sleep, lousy dreams, and a critical lack of an ego. Beware descriptions of the onset of hypothermia, as well as references to emotional beatdowns.
NOTES: At least I can get something out of anxiety dreams. Goddamn this hurt to write though. Embodiment of all my fears much.
***
I. Contact
They're not coming back. You ought to be aware of this by now. You've got an impressive capacity for self-delusion.
"...I am not hearing this."
As I said.
***
II. Bottom of the Box
Why did you come up here? Some misplaced sense of responsibility? Delusions of grandeur? Or did you just want to die?
"They needed me."
Obviously not as much as you needed them, or else they'd still be here. They're not coming back.
"I'm not listening to you."
I'm constantly amazed at you people and your ability to cling to false hope past the point of rationality.
"If you're calling me insane I'm having trouble getting offended, considering who you probably are."
So you've decided to acknowledge me for who I am?
"I said 'probably'. Though the sheer vainglory you have going on here is making it harder for me to pretend you're not..."
***
III. Noli Nomen Vocare
"Are you harassing me because you're bored?"
The reason you hear me so clearly is that you're dying. I'm not sure why or how you've managed to hang on this long. I'll chalk it up to bullheaded stupidity. The same kind, by the way, that's letting you keep believing anyone will come for you.
"Shut up. They'll come back."
No. They're not coming back. THey don't need you as much as you do them. And that one your thoughts keep drifting to doesn't love you, or you wouldn't be alone here freezing to death on some Light-forsaken glacier in the middle of nowhere.
"...That was just this side of fucking CHILDISH, P--no. Fuck that. He's dead, you're dead, I'm not paying attention to you."
Not going to appeal to my better nature? Maybe you're not as naive as I thought.
"I'm not that desperate."
If you say so. Don't fall asleep, now.
***
IV. Slow Down
I'm surprised you can still think.
"I don't want to die."
So that's what's keeping you going now. Fear? I suppose I can't blame you. They feed you all manner of horror stories about me. About us.
"It's not stories. I know what you did."
Which part of me is 'you'?
"I...what?"
Which of us do you mean.
"Either. ...I hate you."
Not an uncommon sentiment. What brought that outburst on?
"You did. Leave me alone. Go away. Go back to sleep. If I'm going to die just leave me alone."
As far as the world beyond here is concerned, you're dead already.
"...I'm not going to die here. I won't. Fuck off."
Now you're being childish.
***
V. Silence
I probably look like you now. How they said you did. Before, I mean. Like. Bluish. And white. I can't feel my toes."
You'd very likely lose them if you were saved. Your fingers, too. You're on the downward spiral, I'm afraid. It won't be long now.
"...They forgot I'm here. It's so quiet here..."
Yes. They've made themselves forget. They've told themselves you were a burden, malicious, selfish, dangerous--anything at all that lets them rationalize having sacrificed you to save their own skin. It's odd, really--they profess to follow the light, but here they are leaving me live sacrifices as if they were trolls trying to placate a hungry loa.
"..."
Are you asleep?
"...No..."
At ay rate, it's good to see you being realistic about this. It took you far too long to start facing this like an adult instead of a self-delusional child. You were, for all itents and purposes, sacrificed. You were--and are--an acceptable loss. They've been sacrificing you for years, really. Your mage will say you were too much like the malicious partner they ran from, even though you're not. Your warrior--wasn't she the one who used to come to you inebriated and shout at you for hours because she didn't have the courage to face her real demons? They've ascribed to you all manner of motives that aren't yours because you lack the necessary malice, cunning and entitlement to possess them. Really, you're quite a doormat. Why did you let them kill you?
"...How do you know..."
I see more with eyes closed than any given one of you will see in a lifetime.That includes, by the by, your mage and your priest. Incidentally, the fact that you're a halfbreed influenced their decision to let you die here. More rationalizing, of course. And they call themselves civilized races.
"...So...did...did they..."
Who do you mean?
"...Love me? At all?"
You're talking about that one. I see. I can answer that, but I'm not sure you want to hear it.
"...No. I don't. If the answer is no I don't want to hear it. I at least want the memory of it maybe having been something good. Even if it wasn't and even if I didn't matter and even if it's really okay to them that I'm going to die alone here..."
You're not alone here. Of course, no one will hold you as you die, but you are not alone.
***
VI. Ebb Tide
It will be over soon. Your heart will stop. Your mind will stop. Then the pain will go away.
"...don't want to die..."
Everyone thinks that. Don't worry. After that, it won't hurt anymore.
"...hey...stay with me."
I thought you hated me.
"...just until i'm gone. please."
Have you changed your mind, then?
"...don't want to die alone..."
Will you come to me willingly after death, then? You will not be alone again.
"..."
Yes or no, paladin?
"..."
The barest movement of her head: a nod.
The last flicker of light across a dying mind: please just don't let me die alone.
I told you. You're not alone.
***
VII. Wake
The air is thin and cold atop the fortress. Five years after, they meet face to face for the first time.
For the first time in many, many years, she has reason to smile.
"...You were right...
...It doesn't hurt any more."
***
AN: Yay for freaking myself out. @_@