so I decided to be very silly
Jul. 25th, 2012 10:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
yukieTITLE: HELLSCREAM'S LAMENT 1: Bloodthirsty Dustwallow Marsh
FANDOM: WoW
PEOPLE: Garrosh, and the advisors he's being sarcastic at.
PAIRING: None, really.
RATING: PG-ish.
WARNINGS: AU sorta-sarcasmo-Garrosh whose voice is kind of different from canon, because when I tried to suss out his voice from quests and stuff, THIS NONSENSE was the result... He also has some common sense. Mostly because Saurfang scared it into him.
NOTES: First-person semi-monologue orc shenanigans.
Presenting: Yukie's version of Garrosh, ranting about why he's never going to try for Theramore because Dustwallow Marsh wants to destroy his face like a Castlevania Bird.
There will probably be a series of these because I find this inexplicably hilarious and letting Garrosh kvetch about things is fun.
Takes place in a continuity based upon the AU what my girlfriend started. XD
Minor SPOILARS for the circumstances of the Theramore business in MoP.
--
Theramore? Yeah, I know. Tactical advantage, maybe, but it's not worth it.
Why?
Because no. It's in Dustwallow Marsh, the end. We're not going anywhere near Theramore, screw it.
...Yes, the location is extremely relevant, stupid; I wouldn't have said it if wasn't. ...What do you mean 'what do I mean'? Don't get me started.
...
...
Fine, but you asked for it, this'll take a while.
Dustwallow Marsh? Wants my blood. It does.
I'm not exaggerating, shut up.
The Marsh wants my blood and either way even if it'd be a tactical advantage if we got Theramore--and that's a HUGE 'if'--yes, 'if', what the hell, do you even think. 'If' because Proudmoore.
Yeah she's human. That's not really relevant here, and yeah I know how that sounds from ME, but, uh. Archmage, hello. She's kind of able to turn your ass into an ice cube from several hundred feet away and repeat the process as necessary with all your buddies until your army's just a bunch of ugly-as-hell ice sculptures.
And then the mosquitoes eat you.
...Yeah, through the ice, it's possible. You haven't ever seen one of these things, they're huge. it's not natural. Hell, none of the bugs there are natural! Mosquitoes the size of my thumbnail, little gnat things so small that bug netting's a joke, freaky pinching water beetles, and giant roach creatures. From the most freakish dregs of the Nether. That HISS. Try finding one of those in your boot in the morning and then tell me I'm being a coward.
They are six inches long, all right? And they hiss. I can deal with scorpions, I draw the line at roaches hissing in my damn boots in the morning. If you want to go rent out your footwear to giant insects, be my guest, but you're not getting any backup from me, and I'm just going to laugh when you run screaming out into the marsh and sink.
Oh, speaking of sinking. Siege engines in a marsh. ...Let me repeat that. Siege engines. In a marsh. Remember what a pain in the ass it was to get the tanks going on the sandy damn soil around Nasam? How the wheels just sank, and using the catapult made the damn things tilt like they were drunk? Imagine that and multiply it by about sixteen, then add hissing roach creatures and mosquitoes the size of your thumbnail. And little gnat things flying in your eyes all the time. What I'm trying to say is--if we try to approach from the land, the siege engines will sink into the swamp.
Unless Proudmoore sets them on fire first, in which case they'll burn down, fall over and THEN sink into the swamp. While the bugs eat us.
And they WILL.
...Yeah, 'options', whatever you say. The other two 'options' we have are about as good as land. Air? That's a joke. Zeppelin, ice on the wings, crash and die and explode. You haven't see how far Proudmoore can chuck a frostbolt. And hers are huge too. Or she could just go 'hey, archers, set your arrows on fire and shoot at these huge idiots in the big flammable blimp!' I'd deserve to blow up for being that stupid!
That leaves the water, and HA HA HA NO Proudmoore's basically part boat by heritage, she's from Kul Tiras originally, I know where that is, and anyway WE CAN'T SAIL.
So we'd get our ships cannoned all to hell and then be eaten by the seagulls.
The seagulls aren't natural either, they go right for your skull. And once again, you can call me a coward once you've also known the joy of having a giant gull swoop right down at your face.
Everything in Dustwallow Marsh WANTS MY BLOOD. The second I set foot in there, everything's going to go, "Oh hey it's Hellscream, LUNCH IS SERVED." The mosquitoes will just straight-up eat Gorehowl and then I'll be completely doomed. Someone will find my dehydrated bloodless corpse facedown in the road two weeks later, surrounded by fat-ass smug mosquitoes, and they'll wonder what stupid orc goes anywhere unarmed, and I'll be dead so I won't be able to tell them I didn't come unarmed, THE MOSQUITOES ATE MY AXE.
I'm not going into a losing battle. And besides, Thrall would pitch me into the Maelstrom even if it was possible for us to get anywhere with this 'invasion'. I may not be a genius, but I know suicidally-stupid plans when I see them.
Screw Theramore and screw Dustwallow Marsh. Everything in there wants to kill me. It wants my blood and it's not gonna get it.
--
End-of-fic notes: Garrosh calls Jaina by her surname only because she's the equivalent of the clan head and apparently that's what you do when you're talking to or about a clan head. Even if you don't like them and they hurt your head. XD
FANDOM: WoW
PEOPLE: Garrosh, and the advisors he's being sarcastic at.
PAIRING: None, really.
RATING: PG-ish.
WARNINGS: AU sorta-sarcasmo-Garrosh whose voice is kind of different from canon, because when I tried to suss out his voice from quests and stuff, THIS NONSENSE was the result... He also has some common sense. Mostly because Saurfang scared it into him.
NOTES: First-person semi-monologue orc shenanigans.
Presenting: Yukie's version of Garrosh, ranting about why he's never going to try for Theramore because Dustwallow Marsh wants to destroy his face like a Castlevania Bird.
There will probably be a series of these because I find this inexplicably hilarious and letting Garrosh kvetch about things is fun.
Takes place in a continuity based upon the AU what my girlfriend started. XD
Minor SPOILARS for the circumstances of the Theramore business in MoP.
--
Theramore? Yeah, I know. Tactical advantage, maybe, but it's not worth it.
Why?
Because no. It's in Dustwallow Marsh, the end. We're not going anywhere near Theramore, screw it.
...Yes, the location is extremely relevant, stupid; I wouldn't have said it if wasn't. ...What do you mean 'what do I mean'? Don't get me started.
...
...
Fine, but you asked for it, this'll take a while.
Dustwallow Marsh? Wants my blood. It does.
I'm not exaggerating, shut up.
The Marsh wants my blood and either way even if it'd be a tactical advantage if we got Theramore--and that's a HUGE 'if'--yes, 'if', what the hell, do you even think. 'If' because Proudmoore.
Yeah she's human. That's not really relevant here, and yeah I know how that sounds from ME, but, uh. Archmage, hello. She's kind of able to turn your ass into an ice cube from several hundred feet away and repeat the process as necessary with all your buddies until your army's just a bunch of ugly-as-hell ice sculptures.
And then the mosquitoes eat you.
...Yeah, through the ice, it's possible. You haven't ever seen one of these things, they're huge. it's not natural. Hell, none of the bugs there are natural! Mosquitoes the size of my thumbnail, little gnat things so small that bug netting's a joke, freaky pinching water beetles, and giant roach creatures. From the most freakish dregs of the Nether. That HISS. Try finding one of those in your boot in the morning and then tell me I'm being a coward.
They are six inches long, all right? And they hiss. I can deal with scorpions, I draw the line at roaches hissing in my damn boots in the morning. If you want to go rent out your footwear to giant insects, be my guest, but you're not getting any backup from me, and I'm just going to laugh when you run screaming out into the marsh and sink.
Oh, speaking of sinking. Siege engines in a marsh. ...Let me repeat that. Siege engines. In a marsh. Remember what a pain in the ass it was to get the tanks going on the sandy damn soil around Nasam? How the wheels just sank, and using the catapult made the damn things tilt like they were drunk? Imagine that and multiply it by about sixteen, then add hissing roach creatures and mosquitoes the size of your thumbnail. And little gnat things flying in your eyes all the time. What I'm trying to say is--if we try to approach from the land, the siege engines will sink into the swamp.
Unless Proudmoore sets them on fire first, in which case they'll burn down, fall over and THEN sink into the swamp. While the bugs eat us.
And they WILL.
...Yeah, 'options', whatever you say. The other two 'options' we have are about as good as land. Air? That's a joke. Zeppelin, ice on the wings, crash and die and explode. You haven't see how far Proudmoore can chuck a frostbolt. And hers are huge too. Or she could just go 'hey, archers, set your arrows on fire and shoot at these huge idiots in the big flammable blimp!' I'd deserve to blow up for being that stupid!
That leaves the water, and HA HA HA NO Proudmoore's basically part boat by heritage, she's from Kul Tiras originally, I know where that is, and anyway WE CAN'T SAIL.
So we'd get our ships cannoned all to hell and then be eaten by the seagulls.
The seagulls aren't natural either, they go right for your skull. And once again, you can call me a coward once you've also known the joy of having a giant gull swoop right down at your face.
Everything in Dustwallow Marsh WANTS MY BLOOD. The second I set foot in there, everything's going to go, "Oh hey it's Hellscream, LUNCH IS SERVED." The mosquitoes will just straight-up eat Gorehowl and then I'll be completely doomed. Someone will find my dehydrated bloodless corpse facedown in the road two weeks later, surrounded by fat-ass smug mosquitoes, and they'll wonder what stupid orc goes anywhere unarmed, and I'll be dead so I won't be able to tell them I didn't come unarmed, THE MOSQUITOES ATE MY AXE.
I'm not going into a losing battle. And besides, Thrall would pitch me into the Maelstrom even if it was possible for us to get anywhere with this 'invasion'. I may not be a genius, but I know suicidally-stupid plans when I see them.
Screw Theramore and screw Dustwallow Marsh. Everything in there wants to kill me. It wants my blood and it's not gonna get it.
--
End-of-fic notes: Garrosh calls Jaina by her surname only because she's the equivalent of the clan head and apparently that's what you do when you're talking to or about a clan head. Even if you don't like them and they hurt your head. XD
