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yukie(Inspired by...well...recent dickery. I am not addressing any especial 'you' here, but rather--a series of past dysfunctional relationships with people who turned out to be less cool than I thought. I found a few relics of one such friendship around mom and dad's house this morning, and felt the need to kvetch, so here it is.)
I have never in my life ever tried to replace someone openly.
Especially not as punishment. Doubly especially not because of an inability to cope with the fact that it was my fault they were drifting out of my life.
I don't replace people. Ever.
Not even when they've died. I seek company and friendship, yes, but I do not replace people because you CANNOT REPLACE A PERSON.
There is no one who can replace Iva. There is no one who can replace Sarah. There is no one who can replace Jilly or Tif or Becky. No one. Ever. They have gone. They are still alive in my heart and across the River, but THEY ARE NOT HERE ANY MORE
And nothing changes that.
Nothing can replace them.
People are individual and unique and precious. I would not want to ever REPLACE someone.
You can't fucking replace pets either. A vital being with an individual spirit is not a pair of socks that gets a hole.
I mean, shit, I've had trouble replacing stuffed animals.
To be able to just glibly go the fuck along treating people like they're chair slipcovers is fucked up, kthx.
So, I'm sorry, if you've ever deliberately sought out to replace me, or anyone else in your life who you think ~done you wrong~ (and I have never seen anyone who was legitimately done wrong get up to this), you're being an ass and a wimp and probably running away from something.
There's nothing wrong with being lonely and wanting someone in your life. Nothing is wrong with making friends. There is zero wrong with seeking the company of other people.
But if you are setting out fucking deliberately to replace someone and making little pass-agg digs to boot?
You need to do a fuckload of self-examination because sooner or later the birds are gonna come back home to roost. You can't run from yourself by shoving people out of your life when they get too frank or don't walk on eggshells. Well, you CAN, but you're still you, you're still your soul, and you cannot run from your own heart.
So to the dingbats who deliberately went out to replace me (or replace my girlfriend, or replace any of my loved ones, or--fuck--replace someone PERIOD): congrats, ur doin it rong and u ran 2 nowhere.
I have never been the sort to say it is fine when it is not. Addiction runs in my family; enabling something like that is letting someone kill themselves by inches and I'm so terribly sorry but I'm not on board with that. So, yeah, I beg your pardon for being a lancet and not a band-aid; there's a time and place for both and I'm not going to BE GOOD AND BE NICE AND SHUT UP about something that is hurting people.
I'll try to be TACTFUL? Like, there are things you cannot just come out bluntly with because it's counterproductive. But yeah. If you're wondering why I'm such a straightforward fucking bitch, imagine you live in my skin. I have a chronic illness and certain kinds of illness run in my family, and keeping mum in a lot of situations means watching someone die a little at a time.
So if you kicked me out of your life and replaced me with someone "better" because I told you I didn't want to see you expire by inches?
It's your loss. Sure, I'll be fucking pissed because I'd never do that to YOU, and I'm incapable of running away from my problems in any way, shape or form (I don't get divine callings, but I do sometimes get lovely parks, idk). But, yeah, go ahead? If I'm that meaningless I probably shouldn't be bitter anyway, but I am because I suck at coping with loss, lawl.
Anyway.
So now you have YET ANOTHER LOOK INTO THE SCARY DRAGON-OCCUPIED DEPTHS OF MY PSYCHE and you came out mostly unscathed, so celebrate with your beverage of choice. XD
The story behind this rant is such: in high school I had a friend whom I shall call for my purposes Jay Elle because it makes her sound kryptonian and that's funny. She had a tricky family life and was depressed. Unfortunately she was also a pass-agg jerk a lot. I remained friends with her up until university despite the fact that she was often an ass to me (a lot of assery flew over my head or I thought I asked for it), and she was systematically detonating friendships left and right for tiny slights, and clinging to me whilst insulting me and "testing" my loyalty.
Then everything changed when I got therapy and got medication. She started to trash me "jokingly" for that and call me a sellout et cetera, and she backhandedly tried to fuck up my relationship with my then-fiance. Fiance's BFF caught her in the act and let both of us know, and I phased her out of my life. Which was easy, since I was the one doing all the work anyway.
Fast forward to me being 30 and she's FoaFs with a few Facebook friends and trying to message me with halfass apologies for wrongs she don't know she done blah blah and oh look she's made up a new friend who is just like me only BETTER whom she cannot shut up about...
So I blocked her. Killfile says PLONK.
I don't know why I dealt with her douchery for as long as I did, but now I don't. Alas, finding passed notes from high school in old notebooks can unearth memories bigtime. ^^;
I have never in my life ever tried to replace someone openly.
Especially not as punishment. Doubly especially not because of an inability to cope with the fact that it was my fault they were drifting out of my life.
I don't replace people. Ever.
Not even when they've died. I seek company and friendship, yes, but I do not replace people because you CANNOT REPLACE A PERSON.
There is no one who can replace Iva. There is no one who can replace Sarah. There is no one who can replace Jilly or Tif or Becky. No one. Ever. They have gone. They are still alive in my heart and across the River, but THEY ARE NOT HERE ANY MORE
And nothing changes that.
Nothing can replace them.
People are individual and unique and precious. I would not want to ever REPLACE someone.
You can't fucking replace pets either. A vital being with an individual spirit is not a pair of socks that gets a hole.
I mean, shit, I've had trouble replacing stuffed animals.
To be able to just glibly go the fuck along treating people like they're chair slipcovers is fucked up, kthx.
So, I'm sorry, if you've ever deliberately sought out to replace me, or anyone else in your life who you think ~done you wrong~ (and I have never seen anyone who was legitimately done wrong get up to this), you're being an ass and a wimp and probably running away from something.
There's nothing wrong with being lonely and wanting someone in your life. Nothing is wrong with making friends. There is zero wrong with seeking the company of other people.
But if you are setting out fucking deliberately to replace someone and making little pass-agg digs to boot?
You need to do a fuckload of self-examination because sooner or later the birds are gonna come back home to roost. You can't run from yourself by shoving people out of your life when they get too frank or don't walk on eggshells. Well, you CAN, but you're still you, you're still your soul, and you cannot run from your own heart.
So to the dingbats who deliberately went out to replace me (or replace my girlfriend, or replace any of my loved ones, or--fuck--replace someone PERIOD): congrats, ur doin it rong and u ran 2 nowhere.
I have never been the sort to say it is fine when it is not. Addiction runs in my family; enabling something like that is letting someone kill themselves by inches and I'm so terribly sorry but I'm not on board with that. So, yeah, I beg your pardon for being a lancet and not a band-aid; there's a time and place for both and I'm not going to BE GOOD AND BE NICE AND SHUT UP about something that is hurting people.
I'll try to be TACTFUL? Like, there are things you cannot just come out bluntly with because it's counterproductive. But yeah. If you're wondering why I'm such a straightforward fucking bitch, imagine you live in my skin. I have a chronic illness and certain kinds of illness run in my family, and keeping mum in a lot of situations means watching someone die a little at a time.
So if you kicked me out of your life and replaced me with someone "better" because I told you I didn't want to see you expire by inches?
It's your loss. Sure, I'll be fucking pissed because I'd never do that to YOU, and I'm incapable of running away from my problems in any way, shape or form (I don't get divine callings, but I do sometimes get lovely parks, idk). But, yeah, go ahead? If I'm that meaningless I probably shouldn't be bitter anyway, but I am because I suck at coping with loss, lawl.
Anyway.
So now you have YET ANOTHER LOOK INTO THE SCARY DRAGON-OCCUPIED DEPTHS OF MY PSYCHE and you came out mostly unscathed, so celebrate with your beverage of choice. XD
The story behind this rant is such: in high school I had a friend whom I shall call for my purposes Jay Elle because it makes her sound kryptonian and that's funny. She had a tricky family life and was depressed. Unfortunately she was also a pass-agg jerk a lot. I remained friends with her up until university despite the fact that she was often an ass to me (a lot of assery flew over my head or I thought I asked for it), and she was systematically detonating friendships left and right for tiny slights, and clinging to me whilst insulting me and "testing" my loyalty.
Then everything changed when I got therapy and got medication. She started to trash me "jokingly" for that and call me a sellout et cetera, and she backhandedly tried to fuck up my relationship with my then-fiance. Fiance's BFF caught her in the act and let both of us know, and I phased her out of my life. Which was easy, since I was the one doing all the work anyway.
Fast forward to me being 30 and she's FoaFs with a few Facebook friends and trying to message me with halfass apologies for wrongs she don't know she done blah blah and oh look she's made up a new friend who is just like me only BETTER whom she cannot shut up about...
So I blocked her. Killfile says PLONK.
I don't know why I dealt with her douchery for as long as I did, but now I don't. Alas, finding passed notes from high school in old notebooks can unearth memories bigtime. ^^;
no subject
Date: 2013-08-12 01:55 pm (UTC)<3 You're right though. No one is replaceable.
no subject
Date: 2013-08-12 10:31 pm (UTC)I mean...from 2005 to now I've come so absurdly far. Came close to a breakdown, got a proper diagnosis, got proper medication, and while I've faceplanted a few times over--here I am now with a place of my own, an aquarium ready for fish (I'mma name them Talbot and Matilda because I can), a decent amount of cash hoarded because I r dagron, and plans for my future.
I never used to think about the future at all because I didn't think it'd be a thing I got but now there's a CURE for me and *keymash keymash* I don't know.
but yeah. *hugs*
Like I try to see the best in people and I try to help them if I can, and sometimes it does work but sometimes it ends in people hating me because there's some stuff I can't just watch people do, and I guess that's just a thing, and usually it turns out okay after all...
Also because I feel sappy I am rly glad i met you. XD Thanks for being patient with me when I was an undiagnosed flailengine pissy cat XD
no subject
Date: 2013-08-15 10:03 pm (UTC)The future's lookin pretty nice and I don't see a reason to be you know, an angstcanoe about it. I want a happy rom-com ending for everyone. You know, the kind where little three sentence blurbs roll about you in the credits.
<3 Thank you right back. I was a whirlwind myself for a while.