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So my mind does this thing.
The thing it does is this: any tiny mistake I make, MY BRAIN TRIES TO EAT ME SPLEEN.
This is what I'm up against 24/7/365 (366 on a leap year).
On shit days, I despise myself for surviving past my friends.
On shit days, I feel like I should not be here.
I am only like JUST NOW letting myself acknowledge this stuff. You know silly hippy-dippy genki-to-the-maxxxxx slap-happy-all-the-time little airhead Yukie?
She never actually existed; she was me being a really fucking good actor.
She was me being terrified that I was going to get dropped on my ass the second I was anything but The Genki One. She was my mask. Cardboard armour. Nothing else but that.
I do find joy in silly or simple things, but some of that is being determined to. Life is fucking amazing after all.
But, you know, sometimes Westley's right, and life is pain, and anyone that tries to tell you differently is selling something. My favourite great-uncle died this year, and I'm KINDA coping, but I still suck at handling grief because for so long I was Just Not Supposed To Cry, I was just supposed to like, bear up nobly like a mofo and not dare burden anybody with the ordeal of seeing me all red-eyed and snotty. XD Which is really difficult for someone with ADHD. So. Yeah. Letting myself grieve? Hard. Letting myself be bruised? HARD.
Admitting that I'm kind of a cranky asshole sometimes and am allowed to be fallible or sick or farty or make juvenile jokes etc? Really difficult!
But, yeah, anyway, trying to loathe myself less. Trying to teach myself I'm worthwhile. It's tricky. But tricky doesn't slow me down. :B
The thing it does is this: any tiny mistake I make, MY BRAIN TRIES TO EAT ME SPLEEN.
This is what I'm up against 24/7/365 (366 on a leap year).
On shit days, I despise myself for surviving past my friends.
On shit days, I feel like I should not be here.
I am only like JUST NOW letting myself acknowledge this stuff. You know silly hippy-dippy genki-to-the-maxxxxx slap-happy-all-the-time little airhead Yukie?
She never actually existed; she was me being a really fucking good actor.
She was me being terrified that I was going to get dropped on my ass the second I was anything but The Genki One. She was my mask. Cardboard armour. Nothing else but that.
I do find joy in silly or simple things, but some of that is being determined to. Life is fucking amazing after all.
But, you know, sometimes Westley's right, and life is pain, and anyone that tries to tell you differently is selling something. My favourite great-uncle died this year, and I'm KINDA coping, but I still suck at handling grief because for so long I was Just Not Supposed To Cry, I was just supposed to like, bear up nobly like a mofo and not dare burden anybody with the ordeal of seeing me all red-eyed and snotty. XD Which is really difficult for someone with ADHD. So. Yeah. Letting myself grieve? Hard. Letting myself be bruised? HARD.
Admitting that I'm kind of a cranky asshole sometimes and am allowed to be fallible or sick or farty or make juvenile jokes etc? Really difficult!
But, yeah, anyway, trying to loathe myself less. Trying to teach myself I'm worthwhile. It's tricky. But tricky doesn't slow me down. :B
