turning and turning in the widening gyre

[yukie]

LOL weird cathartic Spoony Deathbishie Bard stream of consciousness crack.

We have a lot in common.

***

I don't belong anywhere, really, in the end.

I never have.



Some days I'm so certain that I could just disappear and be neither missed nor forgotten.

Near every sanctuary, every refuge I've ever had has been temporary, and I lose everything at the end of the day. Over and over and over.

Maybe it's destined. I don't know.


People say 'oh you're always so STRONG; we didn't think we HAD to help you!'

I appear strong because I keep persevering, and I persevere because I know cowards like these fools will not be there for me or help me, ever.

They are not my friends. They never were. I had no reason to believe in them.

I am not loved.

I never was.

I am an afterthought, at best.

And yet I cannot bring myself to throw away anything I was given. I can't make myself believe yet the halcyon days were all a lie. I don't want to believe it, even though I know that everything, overwhelmingly, points to that.


I know why people were so eager to believe I was a monstrous person out to delude them and take advantage: they were afraid of me.

Because I was always stronger.

If only because I had to be.

If only because I deal with this constant loss over and over again.

If only because I won't be heard if I call out.

If only because I am discarded the moment I become inconvenient, or no longer have something that someone wants to use.



Some days I BADLY want to just - cut and run. Live up to that stereotype about my profession, I suppose. Just spare myself this stupid, mindless, painful nonsense, this having to watch everything I ever had turn to dust at my feet because - why?

Because I am myself.



I am not loved.

I never was.

I cannot be.

By merit of my birth, my past, my nature, my soul - for all these reasons the eye of love is closed to me, ever. Always.

What I have is taken from me. Over and over again.

We are promised a new beginning with each rebirth - a clean slate.

Apparently this does not apply to those of us born in shadow, whose genesis was the dark.

I thought I was loved. I had a wish, once -



Everything I thought was true and eternal was a lie.

Everyone I have ever had, I have lost.

Everything I am is - what?



I should run. I should cast off this useless way of being and these beautiful, heartbreaking, poisonous lies once and for all.

Why do I cling to this so, knowing better?

Why do I reach out over and over for hands I know will never touch mine again?

I doubt I'll ever know.


I have nothing.

No one.



You didn't love me and you never have.



You call me a demon.

I have always been what was expected of me...

Perhaps it's time I began to live up to that name.