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Sep. 9th, 2009 05:27 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
yukieThere is no such thing as a territory truly unmarked by the echoes of what came before. Every action, every word, every nuance of what we create and what we do and how we communicate is a haunted thing. The ghosts of what we were not too very long ago come first and follow after, haunting our shadows and the impressions of our footprints.
We turn from the ghosts over and over; though we feel the chill of their touch we deny them, because we shudder to think upon what we once were and how distant that history is not. We are terrified - terrified to look back and acknowledge the ghosts, because we might just see how far we haven't come.
We will always be haunted, and as long as we deny the existence of our history and our ghosts, they have the means to shatter us completely. We hide our eyes, and in our desperation to not see we stumble over an obstacle that would be plain as day if we would open our eyes, pitch headlong into disaster, and we're soon wounded to death.
I am haunted ground, too. So are you. So are we all. Society is a haunted ground. The world we live in is full of ghosts.
We turn from the ghosts over and over; though we feel the chill of their touch we deny them, because we shudder to think upon what we once were and how distant that history is not. We are terrified - terrified to look back and acknowledge the ghosts, because we might just see how far we haven't come.
We will always be haunted, and as long as we deny the existence of our history and our ghosts, they have the means to shatter us completely. We hide our eyes, and in our desperation to not see we stumble over an obstacle that would be plain as day if we would open our eyes, pitch headlong into disaster, and we're soon wounded to death.
I am haunted ground, too. So are you. So are we all. Society is a haunted ground. The world we live in is full of ghosts.
no subject
Date: 2009-09-09 08:50 am (UTC)I don't know, maybe that's why I still periodically bother to try connecting with my family even though it tends to be an exercise in painful futility. I feel like ignoring that sense of Otherness isn't going to make it go away. Part of the point of why I'm here, I think, is coming to terms with the fact that my skin is not my own, and that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me. It just is.
Maybe that's what an incomplete death really is. Not making peace with the ghosts and letting them consume you until you're literally the walking dead (hi Griss), or your fears are ripe for manipulation (hi Sam). Or I could just be talking out of my ass because it's nearly 5 in the morning and I tend to do that alot around this time.
no subject
Date: 2009-09-09 12:48 pm (UTC)I was thinking about how my uh - weird childhood still affects me even NOW, and how people want so badly to believe that prejudice is totally over and that major footmouthings aren't proof that it really, really isn't and the societal structures that encouraged it are still doing so.
Like the poor dense women I knew who live in Vermont and who had abso-effing-lutely no idea why referring to anything related to Native Americans as 'savagery' is fucking jawdroppingly stupid. (There's probably like all of twenty non-Caucasian folks in that whole state, but still...god the dumb.) And - yeah. Our past isn't totally shinypretty.
But no past is. And coming to terms with that can be really strange. Like - admitting that I have deep and lingering issues and twitches on account of Catholic hardline strangeness and the attitudes THAT proagated, and the fact that the school boards in general seem horribly ill-equipped anf disinclined to do much about bullying, and they plain don't give a fuck about most kids with learning disabilities (ADD should be classed as one but the government and school board don't waaaaaaanna because it means they have to put money into actually helping us to acually learn)... yeeeeah. I have some very weird triggers (I hate the word 'chastise' for example because of the obnoxious connotations it usually had, and generally there was epic sexism associated there too; I go off HARD at 'disposable woman' and 'June Cleaver' and evo-psycho bullshit because Catholicism can be DEEPLY sick about women - seriously, to some of these fuckers, if I have a kid I have 'done my job' and it's okay if the childbirth kills me, this is an environment that ENCOURAGES misogyny) and a lot of sorrow that the institution hasnt moved past medieval bullshit it many ways.
It can be such a beautiful faith but assholes keep dumping poison into the river... ou are making Jesus headdesk, guys, stop it.
I am so rambly. Ergh sinus cold tablets @_@
I think you're right about the 'incomplete death' thing. it's important to come to terms with who we are, and to admit that we're weird in some way, or that we have bad habits - to admit that we're not perfect and accept that? Yeah. We need to do that XD; So many people go through life believing they have to present as infallible, be infallible, and NO one is mistakeless. So we need to own our errors, realize that footmouthing doesn't make us bad people and that we can make things a bit better by learning from mistakes, and - yeah. I have no idea what else to ramble about XD;
Yes. I'm glad this wasn't just meaningless wordery.