Meme-murderer
May. 12th, 2011 08:42 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
yukieTHINGS I SHOULD HAVE SAID/WANTED TO SAY ABOUT VARIOUS ANNOYING ANTICS FOR A LONG TIME
1) If you really want to deal with me in any way/shape/form, I'd suggest you ditch the notion that I'm some kind of dirty usurper or agent provocateur who's out to cause havoc anywhere and everywhere she can. I put up with that shit from my father for ages; I only had to do that because he's my father and he kept threatening to kick me out of the house. Anyone else, i don't have to tolerate it from. I don't give a flying fuck at a rolling donut what your fake-ass local mystic said about me.
Don't assign me fucking spurious motives, don't assume my emotional reactions are all fake-ass and meant only to manipulate you, don't approach every little fuckin' thing I do as if it were a lie or engineered to hurt you.
Your having been hurt doesn't give you the right to abuse me. I'm not your punching bag. Keep it up and I leave.
2) Kindly stop treating the folks I write for and the work I do as being lesser or less real because I don't work like you, mmmmkay, you disrespectful narcissistic dink? Neither I nor they exist only as props in your little floor show; stop acting as if that's the case. I'm not obligated to defer to your point of view all the time; just because I do doesn't mean you're right. Sometimes I'm just nodding thoughtfully because I don't want a fucking fight. Because I know damn well what will happen if there is one. Surprise SURPRISE, I'm the devil child again, bew hew hew.
Stop trying to fucking clothesline my creative efforts. STOP acting like everybody I write is a guest star in your grand theatrical whatever-the-fuck. Who the fuck are you to think that I -must- conform to and accept the rules of the universe you've created OUTSIDE OF IT? Just because the deities I write about aren't part of your pantheon doesn't mean they're not REAL, you giant asshole. I'm not going to change my entire fucking work aorund to suit your tastes, dick. I'm not obligated to give you the heroic role in everything I fucking do. Neither is anyone else. I shouldn't even have to be explaining this to adults.
Don't think I haven't noticed your 'clever' 'little' 'digs' at my work and my characters, either. Fuckhead.
Just because I work differently or process things differently or perceive things differently doesn't mean I am wrong or stupid or an ignorant little stink-baby who needs to be slapped back into line and re-educated. That's not 'fixing', that's called being an abusive chunderwonder. I'm not your project. I am just as real as you, and my work is just as valid.
3) My UPG are just as valid as yours. Maybe I'm not as special or worthy or whatever-the-fuck as people who are god-touched and favoured, but that doesn't mean my experiences are all worthless or nothing. STOP fucking acting like they are.
Just because nobody's reached out to me the way they have to you doesn't mean I'm tainted or unworthy or disgusting or stupid or ignorant. Just - shut the fuck up. Shut up.
You're not the gatekeeper of my spiritual life. If all you're going to do every time I try to talk of my experience is put me down and belittle me and claim I'm wrong and, AGAIN, act like it's your set task to slap me around until I get in line with the way you think and experience, YOU'RE AN ABUSIVE SHIT.
4) I am allowed to feel. I am allowed to grieve. I am allowed to be angry. I have triggers, and I am allowed to have them. I am not allowed to lash the fuck out and abuse people when my buttons get pressed, but I am allowed to have buttons. I am every fucking bit the survivor anyone else is; all the shit I went through being emotional manipulation and verbal bullshit doesn't make it non-existent.
I'm not some happy-go-lucky untouched dim little bippy-woo brat who's never known an inch of hardship in her life. Uh, fuck you. FUCK YOU SO MUCH. I have more than a few invisible disabilities under my belt and, SURPRISE SURPRISE ver 2.0, WHEN YOU DISCOUNT THESE YOU'RE ACTING JUUUUUST LIKE THE PEOPLE WHO CALLED YOU A LIAR.
Two of my best friends in the world are dead. I am grieving for them. I feel guilty because I am still here. I have been terrified of my own death since I was QUITE young. THAT'S why I've never been suicidal - I'M TOO AFRAID. That for some reason NEVER fucking occurred to a couple of you who were constantly causing drama and threatening suicide to keep me in fucking line. You assumed that because I didn't understand that, I was a fucking fool.
No, actually, I thought you little teenage wastelands were fucking lucky to still be thinking of death as an escape from your more-real-than-mine-because-I'm-not-people pain rather than as something terrifying and inevitable.
Death was never this nebulous concept to me, it was - okay, the median survival age for CF patients was 24 when I was a kid. Before I knew what a median was, I thought that meant I was certainly going to die when I hit 24. I can remember the many, MANY times I couldn't sleep and my mom had to help me work through the fear so I could get some damn rest.
5) This is not a pity party, fuck you. No really, FUCK YOU. I'm angry and I don't give a good goddamn whether your ass feels sorry for me or not. In fact, I'd rather you didn't.
I don't want pity. I WANT YOU TO GET THESE THINGS THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL.
6) Right now, I am grieving, and I don't like much of anything.
7) I disabled comments because I feel like it.
8) This is not directed at any one person; most of the people I'm yelling at will never see this. But if any of it seems familiar to you with regard to your dealings with me...well. If any of this resonates with you because people treated you like this too, you didn't deserve it either.
9) I don't deserve to be hurt, and it's not anyone's divine right to 'punish' me because they think I am bad.
1) If you really want to deal with me in any way/shape/form, I'd suggest you ditch the notion that I'm some kind of dirty usurper or agent provocateur who's out to cause havoc anywhere and everywhere she can. I put up with that shit from my father for ages; I only had to do that because he's my father and he kept threatening to kick me out of the house. Anyone else, i don't have to tolerate it from. I don't give a flying fuck at a rolling donut what your fake-ass local mystic said about me.
Don't assign me fucking spurious motives, don't assume my emotional reactions are all fake-ass and meant only to manipulate you, don't approach every little fuckin' thing I do as if it were a lie or engineered to hurt you.
Your having been hurt doesn't give you the right to abuse me. I'm not your punching bag. Keep it up and I leave.
2) Kindly stop treating the folks I write for and the work I do as being lesser or less real because I don't work like you, mmmmkay, you disrespectful narcissistic dink? Neither I nor they exist only as props in your little floor show; stop acting as if that's the case. I'm not obligated to defer to your point of view all the time; just because I do doesn't mean you're right. Sometimes I'm just nodding thoughtfully because I don't want a fucking fight. Because I know damn well what will happen if there is one. Surprise SURPRISE, I'm the devil child again, bew hew hew.
Stop trying to fucking clothesline my creative efforts. STOP acting like everybody I write is a guest star in your grand theatrical whatever-the-fuck. Who the fuck are you to think that I -must- conform to and accept the rules of the universe you've created OUTSIDE OF IT? Just because the deities I write about aren't part of your pantheon doesn't mean they're not REAL, you giant asshole. I'm not going to change my entire fucking work aorund to suit your tastes, dick. I'm not obligated to give you the heroic role in everything I fucking do. Neither is anyone else. I shouldn't even have to be explaining this to adults.
Don't think I haven't noticed your 'clever' 'little' 'digs' at my work and my characters, either. Fuckhead.
Just because I work differently or process things differently or perceive things differently doesn't mean I am wrong or stupid or an ignorant little stink-baby who needs to be slapped back into line and re-educated. That's not 'fixing', that's called being an abusive chunderwonder. I'm not your project. I am just as real as you, and my work is just as valid.
3) My UPG are just as valid as yours. Maybe I'm not as special or worthy or whatever-the-fuck as people who are god-touched and favoured, but that doesn't mean my experiences are all worthless or nothing. STOP fucking acting like they are.
Just because nobody's reached out to me the way they have to you doesn't mean I'm tainted or unworthy or disgusting or stupid or ignorant. Just - shut the fuck up. Shut up.
You're not the gatekeeper of my spiritual life. If all you're going to do every time I try to talk of my experience is put me down and belittle me and claim I'm wrong and, AGAIN, act like it's your set task to slap me around until I get in line with the way you think and experience, YOU'RE AN ABUSIVE SHIT.
4) I am allowed to feel. I am allowed to grieve. I am allowed to be angry. I have triggers, and I am allowed to have them. I am not allowed to lash the fuck out and abuse people when my buttons get pressed, but I am allowed to have buttons. I am every fucking bit the survivor anyone else is; all the shit I went through being emotional manipulation and verbal bullshit doesn't make it non-existent.
I'm not some happy-go-lucky untouched dim little bippy-woo brat who's never known an inch of hardship in her life. Uh, fuck you. FUCK YOU SO MUCH. I have more than a few invisible disabilities under my belt and, SURPRISE SURPRISE ver 2.0, WHEN YOU DISCOUNT THESE YOU'RE ACTING JUUUUUST LIKE THE PEOPLE WHO CALLED YOU A LIAR.
Two of my best friends in the world are dead. I am grieving for them. I feel guilty because I am still here. I have been terrified of my own death since I was QUITE young. THAT'S why I've never been suicidal - I'M TOO AFRAID. That for some reason NEVER fucking occurred to a couple of you who were constantly causing drama and threatening suicide to keep me in fucking line. You assumed that because I didn't understand that, I was a fucking fool.
No, actually, I thought you little teenage wastelands were fucking lucky to still be thinking of death as an escape from your more-real-than-mine-because-I'm-not-people pain rather than as something terrifying and inevitable.
Death was never this nebulous concept to me, it was - okay, the median survival age for CF patients was 24 when I was a kid. Before I knew what a median was, I thought that meant I was certainly going to die when I hit 24. I can remember the many, MANY times I couldn't sleep and my mom had to help me work through the fear so I could get some damn rest.
5) This is not a pity party, fuck you. No really, FUCK YOU. I'm angry and I don't give a good goddamn whether your ass feels sorry for me or not. In fact, I'd rather you didn't.
I don't want pity. I WANT YOU TO GET THESE THINGS THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL.
6) Right now, I am grieving, and I don't like much of anything.
7) I disabled comments because I feel like it.
8) This is not directed at any one person; most of the people I'm yelling at will never see this. But if any of it seems familiar to you with regard to your dealings with me...well. If any of this resonates with you because people treated you like this too, you didn't deserve it either.
9) I don't deserve to be hurt, and it's not anyone's divine right to 'punish' me because they think I am bad.