Scaramouche, Scaramouche

And my inner monologue has changed a lot.

(and this is not me ranting at anyone but rather me ranting at ME and really swaggering for once. XD)

It's like - so what? So the fuck what if I'm a bitch or a demon or heartless? That's only what I've been TOLD I am - and anyway it's all in how I go about being those things that makes them right or wrong. I can be angry or sad, it's hwo I handle these things that makes things work or not!

You know what, fuck my ego completely. XD fuck what other people think of me. Fuck what they say I am and what they expect me to be for their benefit alone.

For my intents and purposes? I am the Queen of Knights, you sunnuvabitches. XD No one tells me what to do. I'll fulfill my responsibilities, I'll honour requests and deals, but NO ONE TELLS ME WHAT THE FUCK TO DO. I am no one's SUBORDINATE. I am no one's acolyte but my Goddess's. NO ONE'S. I may be a student but I am NO ONE'S inferior.

I am the fucking monarch here n my leetle kingdom. No one else. I am the empress of my own domain. I am the overlord bizznatch of my own reality. XD No one orders ME around. My ass is my own boss.

And yeah, I know the responsibility this entails. It takes a lot more stones to carry that weight, but I have the courage and mulishness I need to do it. I always have. I've been this ALL ALONG, but I've spent too long hiding in shadows for the sake of others who relied on my being there as a backup player with no desires and vocations of her own.

I will support people. I'll be backup, for sure, but I am not a peon on your map, oh no, I am a HERO CLASS, SUCKAS. XD I am an equal! I'm not going to stop being what I am at the root, which is a good person. I am compassionate, I do care deeply for my friends and family. I have a good heart.

I've been dragging around this weight for too long; it's too much for my shoulders and my heart and my lungs. I've been hiding in too-big robes the colour of dust, and hanging on too tightly to other people's lies and illusions.

Last night (with a lot of help from my girlfriend who I couldn't have done it without XD), I ditched it. This morning, it's not back. I can feel the pieces on the floor around me. They're going to stay on the floor.

They're less that nildo now. There's no wounded child here, only a veteran of combat. I am a survivor.

A lot has fallen away. The dust's on the floor. The shackles are off.

Now there's only me left. I am the Queen of Knights, bitches, and I am ready.