lol ew

See, part of the reason why I'm so upset about not being able to see Dr. T again is sometimes it honestly feels like my fear and pain is a joke to everyone else.

I'm not SUPPOSED to be weak/be triggered/be sad/get scared/be lonely, I'm supposed to be strength for the worthy and the anointed and let them beat the shit out of me and dick around with me whenever they want because they couldn't fight back against the people who were actually harming them, I'm not supposed to have a past or wants or needs of my own -

- You know what, this is what leads to getting one's brain munched by Excalibur's fucking evil twin or something. The weight gets to be too much, the fear of failure gets too big, the idea that you're nothing if you show a single milligram of weakness eats your fucking brain because you're supposed to be this pillar of fortitude, and it gets to the point when even the most untrustworthy dick who tells you 'it could be easier if you do this' looks like a saint.

Either way you end up batshit crazy either from the pressure or something else.

I don't have to put up with that.

I exist and my pain is real. People can live in denial of that until the cows come home. All that'll get them is me out of their lives. The next time anyone decides my being hurt is worthy of mockery, I'm leaving.

If that means I end up alone in the end so fucking be it; I'd rather be alone than be everyone's joke.

K SO EXPLAINING THE PRIOR POST

That is what happens when I have a dream that pisses me off and unnerves me enough that I can't properly articulate WTF was going on.

Hold onto you butt, it gets nerdy and unpleasant. XD; this universe was apparently some demented cross of WoW and Kingdom Hearts and Final Fantasy. And not fun to be part of!

( okay sotp DoTs. )

SHITTIEST DREAM I HAVE HAD IN A WHILE! Yeah. I know it was only a dream and that it's not a portent of anything but 'don't eat weird things before bed like that anymore' but my dreams tend to be on the vivid side. I could feel my fingers going numb form the cold inn this cave system, and the pain where jerks whacked me, and all that. When I fell down the damn hole I busted my wrist.

No fun. D:

On the upside I might get a good story out of this but still. Worlds of flail. Thank the lord for my co-workers and my boss and his tea, and also Frankeh XD; They're the reason I feel badass enough to write this down.

Also I'm mildly amused that I was a freakin half elf in this XD; Evilbastard McNiichan was only my half-brother and he was full-blooded so if i tried to fight him my beatdown was ASSURED. (The nicer members of the party kept eeing over the more bitty ears which was kinda condescending. There were several rounds of "quit poking my ear. quit poking my - don't poke my eyebrow either.")

stupid dream was stupid, thus emo post was emo. XD;

ETA: My gods, Frankeh and I started chucking plot ideas for this around and it's kind of gotten epic on me. lols flail XD;;;

I still dont know why Creeper Niichan wanted me on his side bad enough that he probably wirepulled to get me there. (Doubt the party new it was him leading them on XD; )